


Behind Blue Eyes

by EnjayH



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Depression, Emotions, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone's Birthday, F/M, Flashbacks, Human Experimentation, Loneliness, M/M, Memories, Multi, New Uniforms, No Smut, Pain, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-HYDRA Reveal, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Quote: I'm with you 'til the end of the line, Revenge, Tony Stark & Steve Rogers Bromance, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony forcing Steve to watch the movies he likes, Torture, Violence, World War II, just kidding, quotes, stucky feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-13 02:13:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5690662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnjayH/pseuds/EnjayH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After SHIELD's downfall, Steve wants nothing but his friend back. But Bucky disappeared. The tortured former assassine hides from HYDRA and from the blond man who caused long lost memories to come back. Bucky tries to remember while planning his revenge on HYDRA. In the meantime Sam gives his best to track him down, Tony throws one birthday party after the next and Steve and Bucky walk down memory lane.<br/>No one knows how close Steve and Bucky actually were in World War 2. Not even Bucky. </p><p>"The sentence tore down his walls. The walls HYDRA had created in years. Memories flooded back. Pictures, dead bodies, Steve. He gasped. It should stop! Someone had to make it stop!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Night, jerk.

**Author's Note:**

> Soo, this is my first Stucky fanfiction ever! Woohoo! The story is basically about what happens after CATWS and after Age of Ultron. Bucky and Steve when they're not on missions. Every chapter will consist of a Steve part, a Bucky part and a past part from either Steve or Bucky. Oh, and of course there will always be a very dramatic quote right before the chapter starts. Because quotes are awesome. I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, because I'm not a native English speaker. If you find any mistakes, feel free to tell me. Trying to improve my English here :D  
> Happy reading!

_“There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.”_

**_Shannon L. Alder_ **

****

**April 4th, 2014 - Bucky**

Bucky sucked in a sharp breath as he slightly moved his right arm. It hurt! The pain was killing him, driving him crazy. But his broken arm wasn't the problem. His broken mind was. The throbbing pain he felt in his own head.

Since his first encounter with the blond man, he could tell that something was wrong. Deep in his mind he knew, there was a memory, an information he had to pull out of oblivion. He knew it was important. And he knew it was there. But every time he nearly got it, the pain drew away his attention. He needed to remember. Again the man's words spooked through his head. _Til the end of the line._ He frowned.

"Come on!" he scolded himself. "Remember!" He repeated the line over and over again until his eyes fell close and his breath slowed down. Drifting away felt so pure, so compelling. Bucky forced his eyes open again. He couldn't sleep. Not now. Not here. _Here_ wasn't safe. _Here_ was an abandoned building somewhere in Washington, DC. He didn't remember how he got here. The last thing he remembered vividly, was how he had fished the blond man out of the Potomac River. Just hours ago ...

Why did he come here? Bucky glanced at the ceiling as if the answer was up there. This house felt so ... familiar. Maybe he had been here before? He looked around for a second time. Maybe this was a place of his past. The past, the blond man had mentioned.

There was a creak whenever Bucky moved. At first he had thought it was his arm due to his diving excursion from earlier. But apparently his metal arm was waterproof. Good news. The creak came from the wooden floor. It sounded like a groan. As if it would beg Bucky to stop moving.

Bucky wrinkled his nose. If he knew this place from before HYDRA, he must've been a hobo. For the umpteenth time he recalled what the man had said. _I'm not gonna fight you. You're my friend._ He grimaced. _Friend_. He didn't remember his so-called friend. Actually, he didn't remember anything before HYDRA. Maybe the man was a former HYDRA-Agent. Possibly. Bucky had often overheard the guards talk about how HYDRA and SHIELD was one and the same thing. The man had worked for SHIELD, right? At least he ... he'd had a shield. Not metaphorically, he had had an actual shield. Until he had dropped it into the river. Bucky thought about that for a moment. Stupid. Who would drop a shield into a river? He would never find it again! On the other hand, he might have been a hobo too. So, he probably wasn't a big thinker.

A tired sigh escaped his mouth. He didn't care whether this man was a thinker or not. All he wanted, was to see him again. Ask questions about their forgotten friendship. Though, he didn't even know the man's name or if he was telling the truth, he wanted to believe him so badly. Believe that he was more than what HYDRA made him. More than a weapon. More than a monster.

A new wave of pain rolled over him. Everything would be easier if that guy hadn't broken his arm! The doctors, HYDRA held captive, could help him. Smile at him and say, _"It will stop hurting in a second. You'll survive this one."_ But Bucky didn't want the pain to stop. It kept him going. Reminded him that his second encounter with the blond man wasn't a trick his mind had played on him. The pain was reality. And so was the blond man.

And Bucky knew that he needed him to survive.

 

 

**April 10th, 2014 - Steve**

"I'm dying!" Steve exclaimed, though it was far from the truth.

Sam rolled his eyes in annoyance. "You're just being a baby," he whispered, so Captain America wouldn't hear.

He heard it nevertheless. Even before the Super Soldier Serum his sense of hearing was his best quality, not very helpful though. A grin crept on his face. Sam's house was comfortable. So was his couch. About one and a half weeks ago the doctors had discharged Steve from hospital. His dive into the river and the fight with Bucky had left marks. He wouldn't complain though. His face wasn't swollen anymore and the bullet and knife wounds were healing. It didn't matter. Bucky was alive! His friend was alive! And every single injury, every partially fractured rib was a proof. The doctors had confined him to bed, because he had somehow, while nearly drowning in the river, caught a slight cold. Everyone was freaking out about how it wasn't a cold but pneumonia. Holy cow, how was that even possible? He had been frozen in ice water for almost seventy years - no problem. But five minutes inside of the Potomac River and he had the chills, coughed yellow _yuck_ and every breath he took hurt.

Bucky was alive. It was this thought that pushed him.

"Can I crash here tonight?" Steve glanced up at Sam and ran his fingers through his hair. He should totally go back to side parting it ... Where did this thought come from?

Sam groaned. His enthusiasm for Captain America ebbed away the longer Steve stayed at his house. "Tonight? You crashed here for the last ten days! Cap ... your apartment is all new and shiny again. I'm not gonna kick you out, but ... since you know that our _subject_ is alive, you didn't do anything, but-" Sam's voice trailed off.

Steve pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. He wasn't the perfect guest, indeed. The last ten days he'd done nothing, but eat Sam's supplies on Sam's couch. He'd watched some crappy TV shows on Sam's TV, and while doing all this, he went through the files Natasha had given him. Over and over. He had still no clue where his friend could possibly hide. Instead, the files spooked through his head every once in a while. The torture, the training, the experiments, everything painful HYDRA had ever done to his friend.

"Hey!"

Steve snapped out of his thoughts and stared at Sam for a second. "Yeah, you're right, pal." He kicked away the blanket and got up. "I ... Thank you for everything. And sorry, for everything."

Sam smirked and nodded towards the files. "You leaving that here?"

Steve's gaze rested on the papers, his mind drifted back to Bucky's picture. "You don't have to do this, you know?" he said and looked back at Sam. "It could be dangerous." He didn't want his friend to get into any trouble because of the search for his other friend. Yeah, life was a little complicated at the moment.

"You said that already. Y'know, he's your friend. If you trust him, I don't see a reason not to do."

Steve sighed, trying to hide how deeply impressed he was by this statement. He considered Sam a friend. A good friend. He felt like he knew him. Really knew him. The little quirks and habits. He wasn't as secretive as Natasha. Though Steve trusted Natasha, he would never ask her to go after Bucky. Sometimes he still doubted that she returned his trust.

"I'll be off then." Steve smiled and pointed at the files. "Call me if you find something."

"Will do." Sam reached for the blanket and threw it back on the couch.

Waving lazily, Steve headed for the door. He trusted Sam and he trusted Natasha. But still, he had his secrets concerning Bucky. For example that in WWII, Bucky was not only a friend ... but more.

 

 

**July 4th, 1934 - Steve**

Not today! Why did stuff like this always happen on his birthday? Steve tried to keep up the pace, not daring to look back. People were staring at him, eyeing him up and down as he rushed by. No surprise. His hair was ruffled and his clothes dirt-stained. And one of the guys who were after him, had given him a bloody nose. Best. Birthday. Ever.

Usually he wasn't someone who'd run away from a fight, but today was different. Today was his sixteenth birthday and he didn't want to see his mother cry once he was home. Not again.

There was a crossroad in front of him. He couldn't wait for the lights, risking to get caught. Neither could he risk to be run over by a car. Steve could hear them gaining on him. Heard their steps and laughter coming closer. Instead of heading towards the crossroad, he turned left. Dead-end alley. He cursed under his breath and spun around.

"Nowhere to go, wimp!" Four guys cut off his escape route. The tallest one spoke and held back a grin now. "Thought you could make me look like a fool in front of Florence and get away with it?"

Steve remained silent. Fred was known to be a bully. He came from a good family, was buff and had all the new and shiny clothes. No one would believe him to be a bully, if they'd just see him. Steve knew better. Fred beat him up since forever. The guys who clung to him changed every once in a while, making it hard for Steve to remember their names.

Fred approached him and tilted his head to the right side, his breath was still unsteady, but that didn't stop him from grinning. "Where is your Bucky to save you now, huh?"

"Right here, douchebag!" Bucky's voice came out of nowhere. Within seconds he was standing between Steve and Fred. The latter's friends backed off, their grins fading slowly. Bucky's posture didn't give away whether or not he would start a fight any time soon. But Steve could see by the way his fingers slowly curled up into a fist, that he was ready to.

"Here for the rescue?" Fred mocked. He didn't seem to be impressed at all by Bucky's sudden appearance.

"Don't be so fuckin' stupid!" Bucky straightened himself, his fists unclenching. "Back off already!"

Steve waited with bated breath for Fred to react. Bucky had been saving him on a regular basis from thugs, since they had met four years ago. But he had also drilled him to not get into trouble with Fred Ross. _Simply because it was stupid_.

Fred smirked.

An expression that made Steve's heart drop.

Agonizingly slow Fred pulled out a combat knife from behind his back.

Bucky shot a glance at Steve and raised an eyebrow in disbelief, before turning back to his now weaponed opponent. "Now where did that come from?"

Only Steve could hear the little quiver in his voice. He felt bad for putting his friend in danger.

"Belonged to my father. He used it, risking his life for our country." Fred looked down at the knife almost affectionately.

"Not what I meant. Is there more stuff hidden up your ass?" Bucky half-smiled confidently.

Steve couldn't help but wonder how he was able to stay that calm.

Fred's eyes darkened. "You're more likely to bend down and have _something_ shoved up your ass, right?" When Bucky didn't answer, he continued. "Everything you do screams queer! Standing up for that dweeb, styling your hair like this ..."

Bucky frowned. "My hair? What's wrong with my hair?" He interrupted himself. "Is it because I have more than you? Don't feel bad, maybe when you get older-"

Before he could finish his sentence, Fred lunged at him. Bucky dodged easily.

"Sloppy technique," he commented. "You shave your head with that thing too? Bet that'll explain a lot."

Fred let out a deep growl. "Shut your face!" He darted at Bucky for second time. Again Steve's friend ducked away making Fred crash headfirst into the brick wall. Before Steve realized that the escape route was free now, Bucky grabbed his arm and yanked him forward, out of the alley. Steve saw the pedestrians passing by. The pavement carrying him away from Fred and his friends. Bucky's grip firm but careful on his arm.

"Hurry!" Bucky yelled over his shoulder, his eyes resting on his friend for a second to make sure he was able to keep up with him. Steve did his best. He'd had heart problems in the past and right now he felt as if it was close to jumping out of his small chest.

The bus stop. Bucky headed for the bus stop. Finally, he let go of Steve's arm and dashed up the few stairs, starting to fumble in his pocket as he waited for Steve to get on the bus. He paid the ride for both of them.

The seats were less than just uncomfortable. Steve slumped down in one anyway. It was only then that his lungs decided to fight for air making him gasp and lean back for support. Breathing wasn't working properly. The air around him was thick and hot and it was clearly lacking oxygen. At least so it felt. His chest was heavy as if someone had put a ten pound weight on him and every breath he sucked in seemed to disappear without reaching his lungs. He doubled over a little and took another deep breath.

"You all right?" Bucky asked, placing a hand lightly on Steve's shoulder.

Steve nodded. Nope. He wasn't all right at all. His lungs were about to give up and he hoped that his breathlessness wouldn't end in an asthma attack. While he thought about, what he would do _if_ his breathing wasn't returning back to normal, the anticipated oxygen finally made its way into his lungs.

"Always getting yourself into trouble, aren't you?" Bucky said, grinning in relief. "Even on your birthday."

"It wasn't my fault!" Steve protested, still catching his breath.

Bucky's grin grew wider. A bold expression. Steve was sure that he himself had never grinned like that. This open smile that melted girls' hearts every day. "No?"

Steve crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. "He was bragging! And he told Florence lies ..." he added in a low voice.

Bucky frowned. "He always lies to Florence."

Reluctantly Steve glanced up. "He said, you were banned from the Coney Island Cyclone because he," he lowered his voice once again, "screwed you there."

The wrinkles on Bucky's forehead deepened. "Whatcha say?"

Steve cleared his throat. Now the whole story seemed ridiculous. He should have kept his mouth shut. No one would have believed Fred anyway. With a sigh Steve looked around to make sure that no one was listening. But except for a few old ladies and a mother with her little son, no one could listen to them. The old women were chatting and the mother was busy with keeping her son from licking the windows.

Steve looked back at Bucky and felt the heat creeping up his face. "I said it wasn't true. Because _dainty little girls_ weren't your type."

There was silence for a moment. The brakes squeaked and the door opened, fresh air streaming inside. The two old women got up and thanked the driver before leaving the bus. The sound of the traffic swelled up in Steve's ears. All of sudden Bucky's frown disappeared. It was gone so fast that Steve wondered if he had imagined it. Instead of the worried look, Bucky cracked a grin now. A low chuckle escaped his throat, that quickly turned into a sincere laugh.

Steve watched him in annoyance. After all he was laughing _at_ him and not _with_ him. Bucky noticed his friend's expression and pulled himself together. Steve didn't look away. He knew exactly what was coming. Bucky wasn't finished yet. The way he half bit his lip and crossed his arms over his chest were proof enough. A great shaking motion came from deep inside his chest and his face and arm muscles tightened. Bucky had that special laugh. It wasn't just a noise. The noise was only the tip of the iceberg. His laugh started before. In the moment when his eyes lit up and the area around his eyes wrinkled. He doubled up, his face releasing the tension and the first wave of soundless laughter made him shake. Steve rolled his eyes when finally the sound followed like a bad synchronization. He forced himself to keep an annoyed expression, when the woman who sat in the front turned her head at Bucky's burst of laughter. Steve scowled at his friend, but somehow his mouth had different plans. His lips twitched upwards and seconds later he joined in.

After a while Bucky grew quiet. "We almost got our asses whipped because you couldn't stop yourself from saying _that_?" A new wave of laughter rolled over him.

Steve closed his eyes for a moment. "You're my friend. It wasn't a choice, it was my duty." He tried to put as much drama in his voice as possible to hide the fact that he was serious.

"When your duty calls, it almost always gets you into trouble," Bucky retorted.

"And you're the one who kicks me out of it. You don't have to do this, you know? I can take care of myself. There is no reason for you to always watch me and make sure I'm all right."

Bucky sighed. "I have no problem watching you. Could do it the whole day." He paused and Steve could tell he was frowning again. "That sounded _a lot_ creepier than intended."

Steve chuckled.

"We have to practice more, Steve. Boxing at the gym, so you know how to throw a punch."

He nodded silently. "Where are we heading anyway?" The buildings outside the window were just a hazy blur, but Steve was sure that even this blur didn't look familiar. "Is that a river?" Steve asked in confusion. Not that he'd never seen a river. But normally ... "Where are we, Buck?"

Bucky wiped away a tear and smirked. "Coney Island Creek. Happy Birthday!"

"So, you give me the Coney Island Creek as a birthday present? I've always wanted that!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, next time you can just push Fred into your very own creek."

"I was being sarcastic," Steve replied.

Bucky nodded and got out of his seat. "So was I, pal. C'mon."

They left the bus and Steve stared at what was in front of him. "No way, Buck! Nope. Count me out. Driving right back home."

With a laugh Bucky grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the entrance. "It'll be fun, I promise! You're sixteen now. Can't you hear the Cyclone calling out for you?"

Steve looked him dead in the eye. "No. I don't. You're just doing this to prove me that you're still allowed to go there. And you won't convince me otherwise!"

 

"I'm sorry, Steve!" Bucky followed Steve into the bedroom.

Steve groaned and curled up on his bed. His stomach was still twisted and upset. Roller coasters sucked! He had puked for hours. And now he shivered. He knew what that meant. Usually when he felt like this, he was getting a cold. "I feel sick."

"No surprise. It's frigging cold in here." Bucky rubbed his arms. "Dude, it's summer, right? Somebody must tell your apartment."

Steve lifted his head lazily. "It's night. It's always cold at night."

"But not that cold! We both know how this will end. You'll be getting ill again!" Bucky said frustrated.

With a tired waving motion Steve told him to stop and snuggled up in his blanket. His mind already drifted and his muscles slackened.

"Where is your mom? I'll ask her, if she-"

"Dr. Meyers didn't allow her to leave early. Late shift."

Bucky remained silent. Steve could hear his steps coming closer and the quiet bump of boots landing on the floor. The mattress shifted and Steve struggled to open his eyes again.

"What are you doing?" he mumbled into his pillow.

The blanket was lifted and coldness reached out for Steve, making him shiver. Seconds later the mattress shifted again and instead of coldness he now felt a comforting warmth.

"Buck," he managed to mutter, although he didn't quite know what he wanted to say. Actually, he couldn't complain. Bucky was warm and suddenly even the cold, hard bed felt safe and cozy. They lay with their sides touching, Bucky on his back, Steve in a prone position, like they'd done it a thousand times before, when they were younger.

Steve's mind wandered back to the alley and he furrowed his eyebrows without opening his eyes. "What did Fred mean, when he said 'You're more likely to bend down and ...'" Steve's voice trailed off as he turned his head to the side, where Bucky was lying next to him.

Even though it was already getting dark outside, Steve made out Bucky's face and from what he could see, his expression was grave. No laugh, no grin, not even a smile. He just faced the ceiling. Eyes empty, somewhere far, far away.

"Did you ever tell your mom something and you had the feeling that, for the first time, she wasn't proud of you?" He sat up and stared at the door.

Steve pushed himself up and pulled his legs into a cross-legged position. "I don't think so, no."

Bucky met his eyes knitting his eyebrows, a smile on his face. Everyone would have noticed the difference. The smile wasn't sincere, but forced.

"What's wrong?" Steve asked, the concern in his voice more obvious than he'd planned. The drowsiness from before had disappeared.

Bucky dropped his gaze. "Me." He took a deep breath that ended in a sigh. "There's something wrong with me and I can't change it."

Steve didn't understand. He was quite sure that there was nothing wrong with Bucky. No illnesses, not even a cold since Steve had known him. They were both good students and at least Bucky was accepted by society. Bucky was the best friend Steve could ask for. Whatever was bothering him, Steve was sure, he could help.

"I'm with you, you know? Whatever it is! You're my friend! And you don't have to change, because-"

"I don't like girls," Bucky interrupted him.

Steve chuckled and sank back, resting his head on the pillow again. "Yeah. Me neither. They always laugh at me, but I know they just do it to impress guys like Fred. That's what you told me, remember?"

"No!" Bucky sighed. "Well, yes. But that's not the point, Steve. I don't like girls ... I think, I ... I like guys."

 

Steve was silent, trying to understand what his friend had just told him. "Guys as in ... men?"

Bucky smiled weakly and nodded. "Yeah, Steve. I like men."

Huh. It made sense, now that Steve thought about it. Bucky's relationships with girls lasted approximately a few weeks. And he was always a little touchy when people tried to insult Steve by calling him queer. "How long?"

Bucky shrugged. "Always. I guess. I realized about five years ago."

That meant that he'd already known it, when they'd first met. Which in turn meant that Steve just knew this side of him, right? And Steve liked Bucky the way he was. Nothing had to change. He didn't know other people who liked the same sex. Granted, but he did know Bucky. And that was enough.

"Huh." Steve stared at the ceiling. "Least you won't get anyone pregnant, right?"

And there it was again. The uncomfortable silence. Maybe he shouldn't have said that?

Bucky, who still sat up straight, turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Did you just ... Listen, pal, if you feel uncomfortable with this, I understand. And-" He stopped talking and his eyes widened. "Damnit! I'm in your ... I'll go home, sorry."

Steve didn't quite understand the problem. He rolled over onto his stomach and groaned. "Shut up, I wanna sleep."

The mattress shifted a little and Bucky's warmth disappeared.

Steve kept his eyes closed. "If you lift this blanket now, I swear that I will hurt you!"

Bucky chuckled. "I'm sorry."

"Listen, Buck. I don't care, okay? Well, I do care, but we're still friends, right?" Steve tried to stay awake, so his sentences would make sense.

"Damn, right." Bucky laid back and remained silent for a few seconds. "Thanks, punk."

"Night, jerk."

 


	2. Revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is even shorter than the last one, but yeah. Thanks for everyone who reads this story :) Means the world to me!  
> Stay safe out there!

_“...And you, you better run because i'm going to destroy you for what you've taken from me.”_

**_Samantha Young_ **

**April 11th, 2014 - Bucky**

Bucky had been jumpy the whole week. Still, every sound set him on edge. When people looked at him, he wondered, if they were HYDRA-Agents. Of course he couldn't just ask them, or shoot them. Instead he went with ignoring them. It was easier. He'd decided to leave everything behind until he'd remember. And by everything he meant HYDRA ... and his combat gear, which hadn't been easy. Walking around in Washington, DC armed to the teeth hadn't been easy either. But eventually he'd found a suspicious-looking man, who was willing to trade off his streetwear against Bucky's combats. He had murmured something about a convention. Bucky still didn't understand why someone would want to wear stuff like that on a meeting. For what kind of convention was combat gear appropriate?!

He didn't care. His new grayish green jacket fit and he wasn't looking like a deadly assassine anymore, although he'd kept his combat boots. Perfect for his today's destination. He'd done some research in the past couple of days. Research he wasn't proud of, because the results were almost entirely useless. All he'd seen, before the woman had wanted her phone back, was that the Smithsonian had information about James Buchanan Barnes.

And there he was. People all around him, watching the Captain America exhibit and the replicas of different uniforms. For some reason Bucky had to force himself to look away from one of them. Blue jacket, brown trousers. Nothing special, but it caught his eye. It felt so familiar. His hands clenched and unclenched. Nervously, he pushed them down into his pockets and went on.

A few steps later, he slowed his pace and came to a stop. The _Bucky Barnes Memorial_. Bucky. That was the name, the blond man had called him. He stared at the picture of Bucky Barnes. And Bucky Barnes stared back with the same eyes. The same features. His mouth fell open a little. There was a text next to the picture. Three words, leading him to set his jaw. _Captured by Hydra_. A growl forced its way out of his throat. HYDRA. It had to be HYDRA, right? He tried hard not to laugh out loud in frustration. HYDRA. His eyes travelled over the monitor.

_Barnes and the rest of the 107th shipped out to the Italien front._ Images flashed in front of his eyes. Images of a battlefield. One second he saw grown men clutching their wounds, screaming and crying in pain. Then the next second the pictures were gone. Nothing left but the memorial in front of him. He stared at the words again.

_Barnes endured long periods of isolation, depravation and torture._ The sentence tore down his walls. The walls HYDRA had created in years. Memories flooded back. Pictures, dead bodies, Steve. He gasped. _It should stop!_ Someone had to make it stop! A man in a white coat bent over him. He felt the stinging pain of a needle. An injection. Not only one, but three. A male voice started to talk about Captain America. Bucky paused for a moment. The man in the lab coat was gone. He'd probably never been here. _Steve._ A memory. The blond man. His name was Steve. Steve was his friend.

Bucky felt that there were more memories coming back to the surface. If he focused hard enough, he'd be able to grasp them. But although there were many memories, there were even more gaps.

Bucky clenched his teeth. He wanted his memories back. And not just the knowledge, but the emotions behind everything he'd done in the past. Maybe it was too early to leave HYDRA behind. There had to be some agents who escaped the law and went underground. And Bucky would find them and destroy them for what they had done to him.

 

 

**May 28th, 2014 - Steve**

"You know, way back in the 40s we had public restrooms and they looked exactly like this!"

Stark shot him a glance. "They're still looking like this. And now stop watching _Saw_ and focus on your ... heart rate or something."

Steve raised an eyebrow. "You invited me."

"And now I regret it. Listen, Stripes. You're trying out your new costume, I get it, but-"

"It's a suit, Stark. Not a costume!"

"Whatever you say, big guy." Stark held up both hands in defence as he approached. "But why do yoWHAT THE HULK?! You're tormenting my poor treadmill!"

Steve scowled at Tony and picked up speed. "I see what you did there, Stark. And it's not funny."

Tony grinned. "It's kinda funny. Anyways. How's the new suit?" He mockingly emphasized the word 'suit'.

With an eye-roll, Steve slowed his pace down. He'd been running for over two hours to break in his new suit. Not that there was need to. The new uniform was comfortable and had a lot of new features. Steve had to admit that Tony did a great job in designing all the equipment the Avengers needed.

"Cap, we still have to perform a minimum set of tests to make sure everything's fine." Tony flipped through a few notes. "I thought about how long it took us to find your shield in the river. And although you're probably the world's best grandpa in playing frisbee, I installed electromagnetic panels on your gloves. They should make it a lot easier to perform your jedi tricks." He looked up and grinned at Steve. "You've seen Star Wars already, right?"

Steve sighed. "Yes. You installed what on my gloves?"

Tony ignored the questions and frowned. "Still don't get why you wanted the stripes back."

"I-" Steve turned to face the panorama window. "I wanna look familiar." He wanted Bucky to recognize him. Although the probability that he'd accidentally run into Bucky was depressingly low. Sam was still following cold tracks and Steve felt bad for going back to Manhattan. Fortunately, Tony had offered him a room in the Avengers Tower.

"Ahh, yes." Tony interrupted his thoughts. He put away his notes and propped against one of his lab desks. "To activate the magnet, you must simply open your hand like this, and your shield should be NOT YET!"

The shield, that had been seated on the couch, flew towards them in highspeed and crashed through one of the windows that parted Tony's lab from the living room. Tony ducked and Steve braced himself for the impact. The shield placed itself on the back of his hand.

He eyed the damage and scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. "Oops."

Tony sat on the ground and made a wry face. "Well done, Cap." He looked back at the shards of glass. "Hey JARVIS, we're gonna renew the whole window front. But this time, we'll use bullet-proof glass."

"Of course, Sir," the system answered.

Steve cleared his throat and examined his suit. "Soo, what else's new?"

Tony narrowed his eyes. "The whole suit, duh! It's more durable than your previous tights."

"They weren't tights!" he protested and put down the shield. "They were Kevlar-based! No tights, no spandex!"

Tony grinned. "Are you trying to tell me that your old suit wasn't ... Wait, it's gotta be around here somewhere." He rifled through a box. After a few seconds he uttered a triumphant 'Ha!' before he pulled out something that looked like Steve's first SHIELD suit. The one in which Phil Coulson had a little design input. At least it was, what was left of the suit, which apparently were just the trousers. "This," Tony pointed at the garment in his hands and disguised his voice, "is a hobo suit, darling. You can't be seen in this. I won't allow it. Fifteen years ago, maybe, but now?"

Steve furrowed his eyebrows. "What did you just call-"

"It's a quote, Steve! Calm down. Kid's movie. You should totally watch it."

A phrase Steve heard evertime when he and Stark chatted. If it was up to Tony, he'd probably lock Steve up in a room with just a TV and force him to watch every movie, ever made.

Tony ran his fingers through his hair. Steve had noticed that he did this quite often. But today his hair was so ruffled and messy that it was worth mentioning. Speaking of hair, Steve had remembered the thought concerning his very own hair and side parting. His new old hairstyle had earned him an impressed slap on the back on behalf of Tony, but also a mockingly concerned 'Are you missing the 40s or did your hair just relapse?' also by Tony. Steve didn't miss the 40s in particular, he just missed the people from then. Peggy, Howard and especially Bucky.

Tony snapped his fingers inches apart from Steve's face. The image of Bucky disappeared, leaving a hollow darkness in his mind. Steve flinched and glared at Tony. "Cut the crap!" he spat.

Tony's eyebrows shot up in surprise, but he quickly regained his composure. "Uhm yeah. So the suit is capable of withstanding repulsor blasts." A faint smile crept on his face. " _Cap_ able. See what I did ... Never mind. Uhm ..." He chuckled softly before he turned around to his desk.

Although Steve came from the 40s, he did understand the concept of reflective surfaces. He could see Tony's face in one of the remaining windows. The way he looked down with a startled expression that ended in self-doubt.

The knowledge about Bucky, being out there somewhere, wore Steve out. "I'm sorry, Tony." He sighed, rubbing his temples. "I'm a little tensed up."

Tony smiled. "If my idol turned 44 tomorrow, I'd be nervous too."

With a sincere laugh Steve shook his head. "Yeah. Did you say the suit could withstand repulsor blasts?"

"Yup."

"You're the only person I know who shoots repulsor blasts."

"Means that I can't kill you as long as you're wearing the suit." Tony grinned. "So, why are you tensed up?"

Steve shrugged. Because of Bucky. Because he couldn't properly explain the return of his best friend. And because he wasn't with him right now.

"Cap?"

Steve knew he was straight. He'd truly loved Peggy. He still did. And when Natasha tried to set him up with Sharon, he wasn't entirely aversed. So he was clearly attracted to women. And to Bucky. Yah. Bucky was the exception. The only one. Although Tony-

"It's called bisexuality." Tony poured cognac into a glass.

Steve snapped out of his thoughts. "What?"

Tony pointed at him with the glass in his hand. "What you just described. Bisexuality. Like mixing a screwdriver. One part gay, two parts straight. Or the other way round." He frowned and took a nip of his drink. "Or fifty-fifty."

"What?" Steve asked, still confused. "You- What did I say?"

"Something about being straight but with one exception." Tony downed his drink in one before he grinned at Steve. "Who were you talking about anyways?"

"A friend." Steve's thoughts started to drift. What if Bucky was in danger? In the past months he'd hoped that Bucky would be searching for him. But what if that wasn't the case? What if he instead searched for HYDRA. He had been with them for about seventy years, perhaps he couldn't just leave them behind. They had to find the rest of HYDRA. Every base they ever had. Steve would destroy them all for what they'd done to Bucky.

 

 

**October 28th, 1943 - Bucky**

The man kept talking in a language, Bucky didn't understand. He'd quit struggling against the leather straps only minutes ago. Bound on a table. He felt miserable. And he was too weak to escape. HYDRA forced the prisioners to build weapons. Bucky's people. The entire 107th, or what was left of them, and some others. Sometimes they starved for days or even weeks. No food, no water. At first Bucky had felt the pain of hunger. His empty stomach growling, begging for food. But after a few days the hunger had gone away. All he'd felt was pure exhaustion. He could barely lift his hand. His body ate away all the fat stores left, which weren't many, then his muscles formed back and he became weaker and weaker. Even his mind seemed to stop working. Thoughts got stuck in his head and he couldn't make sense of them.

Still, he'd tried to rebel everyday, encouraged his men to keep going. Stay strong!

And now ... he was the lab rat of some crazy german doctor, who insisted he was swiss. Bucky wished he was strong enough to yell back, that he didn't give a flying fuck about the doctor's origin. Whether he was german, swiss or from space.

"Danke, dass Sie sich für die Wissenschaft zur Verfügung stellen, Herr Barnes."

Yeah, whatever. Bucky had no clue what the doctor had just said. He kept his own mouth shut and tried to escape reality. Steve. He was in Brooklyn. He was safe. If this doctor would kill him, he'd never see his best friend again. A painful thought.

"It's all very satisfying, Sergeant Barnes," the doctor said with a thick accent. Bucky tried to remember what the man's name was. Something with S? Maybe a T?

"New weapons for HYDRA and a new test subject for me." He laughed. Zola. Bucky remembered. The doctor's name was Zola. Dr. Zola went back to his notes and instruments. "Meine eigene Laborratte."

Laborratte? Bucky didn't know what it meant, but it sounded creepy.

Dr. Zola turned around, a syringe in his hand. "In the past months, I tried to stabilize the treatment, I was working on. It's the next step to human perfection. Or so I hope." He smiled at the syringe. "I can't count the people I've lost at an early stage. But now ... I have a new set of treatments, I like to test on you. It's very special, very different from the norm. I call it the TPT. The Three-Phase-Treatment." Dr. Zola stopped next to Bucky. "This is the phase one solution. It will prepare your body for the following treatments. Hopefully, it will prevent you from dying during the second phase." He chuckled gleefully. "You never can tell, right?"

Bucky felt the cold metal of the needle against his skin and finally forced himself to speak up. "If you dare to inject me with whatever that stuff is, I swear-"

The needle pierced into his arm and Dr. Zola went on. "This might hurt ... The last subject I tested it on described it as a stinging pain, a feeling as if I would skin you alive and turn your veins into fire. Just in the first minute. I don't know how it feels afterwards. Unfortunately, he died, before he could tell me."

Bucky stared at the ceiling. He felt it. Inside of him. It didn't feel like fire at all, but rather as if someone reached into him and yanked out his guts. He clenched his teeth and pressed the back of his head onto the table, the pain pushing away every other thought. All at once the feeling spread. And now he felt the fire. It shot through his veins, his body convulsing in pain. With a heavy bang his head hit the table again. When had he lifted it? His whole body fought against the leather straps, trying to break free, so he could hunch up. The solution ripped his body apart, shot through his limbs, turning his whole existence into throbbing pain. There was a strange sound he was aware of in the back of his mind.

"I recommand all my subjects to breathe, instead of screaming."

The strange sound turned into a pathetic whimper. It was then, that Bucky realized he'd screamed. He'd die. There was nothing he could do. He'd die in a lab somewhere far away from home. Far away from his best friend. The pain subsided. His mind fled from reality and wrapped up his consciousness in a soothing numbness. He was in Brooklyn. In Steve's comfortable small bed. Steve sleeping right next to him. No sign of disgust or aversion directed at Bucky. When Steve had said that he'd accept him the way he was, he'd truly meant it.

It was silent, except for Steve's soft snoring. Knowing that his friend was safe, made Bucky smile. In Brooklyn, the most dangerous thing that could happen to Steve, was that someone beat him up. Bucky never understood why he was so keen on enlisting. He'd tried a lot of different things, to convince Steve to stay safe. Nothing had worked. Setting up a double date, despite the fact that women weren't Bucky's preferred gender, ended up with Bucky having two dates and Steve trying to enlist again. Hopefully, nobody had caught him.

Bucky looked at his sleeping friend and narrowed his eyes. The date was the day before he'd left. Something was wrong. Fear arose in his chest. "Steve?" The fear quickly turned to panic. "Steve!"

Steve turned around. "Breathe, Sergeant." The snoring continued. That wasn't right.

"Steve, I-"

"Your system is stabilizing. Your heart rate is awfully good."

Bucky opened his eyes. Dr. Zola stood right next to the table. One of the machines made a snoring sound and the last trace of his dream disappeared completely. No bed. No Steve.

"My new formula seems to work. Congratulations, Soldat. You just survived phase one. I became a little anxious when you passed out a good hour ago. But your vital signs were stabilizing. So you either have a really strong system or you were just really lucky. Soon be time for another dose."

Bucky glared at the doctor. "Shut the fuck up!" He was a little taken aback that his voice was working.

"Tsk-tsk. I'm a scientist, Sergeant Barnes. Not a sadist. But given that your ability to speak has just recovered, I think we can proceed." The doctor turned around and hummed the snatch of a melody before he returned to Bucky. "The phase two solution doesn't fit in a syringe. So we have to put up an intravenous infusion. This will hurt a lot more than the syringe did." He giggled while he prepared the infusion. Yeah, not a sadist at all.

Bucky closed his eyes. He wished he'd fall asleep or lose consciousness. Be far, far away from this table and the infusion.

"Before we proceed further, Sergeant Barnes, if you could tell me your age?" Zola watched him with interest. He held a clipboard and a pen.

"Fuck you," Bucky hissed.

"Stop whispering. How old are you, Sergeant? It's important. If you're not willing to tell me your age, I'm forced to go and get another subject. I have the british one in mind. I heard the other soldiers calling him 'Monty' when I inspected the prisioners."

Bucky held his breath. Another subject. He'd do everything to get away from this lab. They probably wouldn't keep him alive though. Better than being experimented on. He knew the guy, Dr. Zola was talking about. British Army. Also named James. In this instant, in which he realized that he knew the next potential subject, his hope for freedom crippled. He couldn't sacrifice someone else to go through the torture, meant for him.

"Twenty-six. I'm twenty-six."

"Very well. Keep breathing, if you want to live."

"Makes sense," Bucky muttered. He wouldn't scream again. He wouldn't give this crazy bastard the satisfaction of knowing that his solutions freaking hurt!

"That ought to do. I should warn you that the second phase hurts a lot more than the first one. At least I think so. Until now no one survived the second one to tell me how it felt. Usually, I ask all my subjects how the treatment feels, but I noticed that you're not willing to cooperate."

Dead right. The next needle pieced into his flesh. Bucky braced himself for the next wave of pain. The cloudy liquid streamed through the IV line. Bucky felt the coldness of the solution reaching his vein as he swore to take revenge on HYDRA. Seconds later, he started screaming.


	3. Welcome to the black parade!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually quite satisfied with this chapter, so ... enjoy!

_“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”_

**_Plato_ **

**July 4th, 2014 - Steve**

"I'm just saying that it is kind of weird!"

Natasha rolled her eyes and glanced at Steve, who sat on the couch with a faint smile. Most of his friends were here at Tony's, celebrating not only the Fourth of July, but also his birthday. He doubted anyone would notice his daydreaming. For the simple reason that everyone was too drunk. Except for Steve. _Damn you,_ _regenerative healing factor!_

Especially Tony and Clint were wasted. But while Clint turned into a philosophizing, giggling mess, Tony tended to be ... clingy. He sat right next to Steve, although there was plenty of space.

"It is not weird, Tony. It's my birthday." Steve crossed his arms and looked at Natasha for help. She just grinned and shrugged.

"Yeah, I get that. But don't you think it's weird? Your birthday? Independence Day? Same day?" Tony frowned. "Now I confused myself."

Steve was about to answer, when Tony got up and interrupted him by yelling: "I'm a cowboy!"

Clint, who'd just held a deep philosophical monolog about the pros and cons of carbon and aluminium arrows, jumped up and put an arm around Sam, who happened to stand the closest to him. "On a steel horse I ride!"

Tony beamed at Clint and Steve stifled a laugh. "I'm wanted!" the other Avengers joined in. Even Natasha seemed to enjoy it and grinned openly at Steve.

The more time he spended with his friends, the more his worries faded into the background. For the first time in a long while, he wasn't thinking about Bucky all day.

"Dead or alive!"

Sam put his hand on Steve's shoulder. "Cap, there's a problem." In his free hand, he held his cell phone.

Steve sighed. He didn't like the sound of this. "What happened?"

 * * *

"You can fly this thing, right?" Sam's voice was a little skeptically.

Steve nodded. "This is not the first plane I'm flying."

"It's a Quinjet. And if I remember rightly, the last time you flew a plane, you crash landed it into the ocean."

"But I flew it." Steve bit his lower lip. Driving would take too long.

They were on their way to Washington, DC. He and Sam had left the party so fast, not even Natasha had noticed. At least Steve hoped so. Nah! He was quite sure that she actually did know that they'd left.

"What happened? How in hell is it possible that-" Steve interrupted himself. His voice was shaking with rage. "Did he kill someone?"

"Well, ahem, not exactly." Sam cleared his throat a few times before he continued. "The guards left their posts."

Steve cursed and clenched his teeth. He couldn't believe that all of this happened because some new agents had thought they could leave their positions for a few minutes. "Why? How long?"

Sam looked at his phone for a few seconds and shook his head. "They were gone for ten minutes."

"Why?" Steve repeated.

"They wanted to see the parade."

It was silent. Steve didn't answer. He didn't know what to say. His hands tensed up. "They do know that Brock Rumlow is probably one of the most dangerous people in the world? He admitted that HYDRA has tortured Bucky for years! Okay, we expected that, but he watched! He watched while they ..." Steve breathed noisily and blinked away a few tears. "And he didn't do anything."

Sam patted Steve on the back. "But he was in an artificial coma after his last surgery."

True. But the thought that they had basically dropped a building on his face, and Rumlow survived, made Steve's flesh crawl. He didn't question that the pure evil kept Rumlow alive. The guy was one hell of a badass motherfucker. And Steve couldn't stand the fact that he was free again.

 * * *

"So, you left your position, watched the parade and you didn't see anything?" Steve held back the urge to break something. No matter what. He had worked with Rumlow for so long. He'd considered him a colleague. Knowing that this man had seen Bucky frequently, killed him on the inside.

The two agents looked bashfully at the ground as if there was an answer.

Steve snorted angrily. "How can two people be so stu-"

Sam grabbed his arm. "Cap! Calm down," he whispered and smiled apologetically at the two men. He pulled Steve away from the shocked agents and lowered his voice. "The nurse says that he was still comatose this morning. They didn't try to wake him up yet."

"So what?" Steve raised his eyebrows. "He spontaneously turned into a zombie and walked outta here?"

Sam smirked for a split second. "Uhm, no. His respiratory equipment is gone, Steve. And his infusion." The smirk disappeared. Instead, Sam now looked deadly serious. "They're missing a lot of equipment. Whoever got Rumlow out of here, did it while he was still sleeping."

Steve frowned. "It wasn't HYDRA then. They wouldn't need to steal." He looked back at the agents. "But how is it possible that someone gets in and out without anyone noticing? What about the security cams?"

Sam fished his phone out of his pocket. "A picture. Of the stranger's back. The cameras stopped working for ten minutes after he'd entered the hospital."

"What a coincidence!" Steve scoffed and took a closer look at the picture. Immediately the blood drained from his face. His eyes stared blankly at the screen. The consternation he felt, was almost consuming. His heart beat loud and fast. He felt it pounding in his chest. The picture had a poor quality, but Steve was dead certain. The man in the picture wore a greenish gray jacket, dark trousers, combat boots and a cap, same color as the jacket. He had broad shoulders and the camera didn't catch his face. But still ...

"Steve?" Sam looked from the picture to Steve and back.

"It's him." Steve's voice wasn't more than a whisper. The corners of his lips lifted upwards into a faint smile. He couldn't help but let the smile widen into a grin. There he was! He wasn't dead! And apparently he wasn't captured by HYDRA either!

Sam was stunned. "Bucky?"

He nodded.

"How do you know?"

Steve was about to answer but shut his mouth again. Probably, _'I'd recognize that ass anywhere!'_ wasn't the most appropriate answer. "I just know. It's him! And he's looking well!"

Sam frowned at him. "He does, indeed. But we shouldn't forget that he probably abducted Rumlow."

Oh. Right. Steve's smile faded. Why would he do that? He'd just escaped HYDRA. Why would he abduct one of their agents?

"Mr. Wilson?" One of the men from earlier approached. The young man eyed Steve warily, before he looked back at Sam. "There is a problem."

Steve raised an eyebrow. Yeah, more like _another_ problem.

The agent awkwardly scratched the back of his head. "Apparently, besides Rumlow and the equipment, there is also an ambulance missing. And it might be possible that there was a paramedic who disappeared as well."

Sam and Steve exchanged glances. "So, he did not only abduct two people, but he also hijacked an ambulance," Sam summarized.

That was indeed a problem.

 

 

**July 4th, 2014 - Bucky**

"Wake him up!" Bucky urged.

The paramedic stared at him with wide eyes. "I don't-"

"Don't tell me that you don't know what to do! You're working at the hospital!" Bucky yelled. Nothing went according to plan! Nothing! He had Rumlow, but the guy was sleeping! And the paramedic played dumb!

"I'm just the guy who drives the ambulance!" paradumb yelled back.

Bucky scowled. "I know what a paramedic is. You're not just the guy who drives the ambulance! You were trained to save lives and I want you to save his!"

The guy pouted. "Jeez! I trained my ass off to help people, not to wake them up from a coma! What are you expecting of me?"

Bucky clenched his fists. He had no idea. He wanted Rumlow to be awake for whatever reason. The thought that the former agent of SHIELD or HYDRA or whatever was at peace, sleeping and not bearing any consequences, made Bucky angry. He wished he had the comfort of not being awake himself. The comfort of forgetting everything.

But the contrary was the case. The more time passed, the more he remembered. Everyday. The time he'd spent with Steve, so many years ago. Not all memories were good ones. Sometimes it was a smell or a sentence uttered by a stranger. Whatever triggered the sudden return of a long lost memory, it was painful. He felt helpless, because he couldn't defend himself against his own mind. Even though he didn't remember everything, deep inside of him there was a small part of Bucky Barnes left. Unfortunately, it wasn't the strongest part of his former self.

"I need you to wake him up," Bucky said. Calmer this time.

The paramedic threw up his hands in despair. "I don't know how!"

Bucky closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Okay. Plan B. "What's your name?"

The guy eyed him suspiciously. "Why?"

"Just tell me your name." Bucky tried to put as much empathy in his voice as possible. This part of him had been out of use for far too long. While he awaited a reaction, he pushed his lower lip a little forward to stress his good will. The pout seemed to work.

His abduction victim hesitated and narrowed his eyes. Finally, he crossed his arms. "Aidan."

Bucky slowly opened his jacket.

Aidan's eyes widened. "Whoa there, Magic Mike! I-" he stopped in mid-sentece and stared at Bucky's arm. "I'm fucked."

 * * * 

A few minutes had passed, neither of them saying a word. But the first moment of shock was over.

Bucky pointed at Rumlow. "He was one of the people who did this to me. I need you to wake him up."

Aidan averted his gaze from the metal arm. "But-" He shook his head in disbelief. "Please tell me this is fake."

"I wish-" Bucky stopped. A memory forced its way back into his mind. Steve. Smaller, younger - innocent. Right next to him in a comfortable small bed. Bucky snapped out of his thoughts. Damnit! Aidan reminded him of Steve. He was blond, rather small and worthy of protection, eyes still wide.

Bucky felt like he should say something to soothe him. "I won't harm you. Promise." Probably not the most soothing words ever, but ...

Aidan moved away from both, Bucky and Rumlow. "Happy Fourth of July. Being kidnapped by a creepy Terminator, who wants me to wake up Harvey Dent."

Bucky raised his eyebrows. Before he could say something an explosion made him jump. His heart rate shot up. Eyes widened in horror. Another explosion. The night sky reddened. Instinctively, Bucky ducked. The explosion tore apart the train. He clenched a part of it, that was demolished by the explosion. Steve yelled his name. Another explosion. Bucky gasped, his heart hammering in his chest. The train was gone. He covered his ears, but it didn't change anything. There were gunshots and more explosions. HYDRA. They were coming. For him. His chest was tight. He couldn't breathe. Steve. He had to find Steve. Grab his hand, before it was too late. Steve. He was out there somewhere. Bucky let out a whimper. Why him? What did he do to deserve all this? Steve. Captain America. He would know what to do. But Bucky didn't. His thoughts chased through his head. He wanted them to slow down, so he could breathe. To think. Steve ... explosions ... gunshots ... Stop! ... the train ... he fell ...

Someone grabbed his arm. Bucky stopped in his tracks. Still hunched up. Still scared to death. Filled with horror. Heart still racing. But he didn't feel the urge to harm the person who was touching him without permission. He didn't fall off the train. Someone held him. The abyss was deep down beneath his feet. But someone had stopped him from falling.

He lifted his head very slowly. "Steve," he whispered.

"Uhh, not exactly."

In the back of his head a small voice tried to remember Bucky that this person wasn't Steve. The panic screamed louder. Another explosion and Bucky tensed up again.

"It's okay." The voice got through to him. "It's the noise, right? It'll be over soon. Hopefully," he murmured. "I'm- Steve's here. It's okay."

Bucky rested his head on his knees and took a few deep breaths.

"Uhm, I have earbuds and music, if that helps? My father served in Vietnam and when he came back he listened to loud music whenever there were fireworks in our neighbourhood."

Steve's father didn't serve in Vietnam and he didn't come back either. Bucky looked up. At this very moment another firework exploded. A few rapid bangs followed that sounded like gunshots and Bucky was on edge again. The blond guy fumbled in his pocket and finally pulled out a phone and in-ear headphones.

He handed Bucky the headphones. "There you are."

Bucky hesitated to do something. His hands were cold and his muscles so tensed that he couldn't even lift his arm.

"I'm really sorry. Everything I know about panic attacks ... I just know what my dad did. He used to listen to calming songs really, really loud." He chuckled softly, before he looked up and glanced at Bucky a little hesitantly. "May I?"

Without hesitation Bucky nodded. He'd do everything to stop the explosions.

"Dude, the most calming song I've got, is _Welcome to the Black Parade_! Maybe I should've kept the Taylor Swift songs my sister bought ..." A thoughtful expression crossed Aidan's face. Aidan! Bucky remembered. They were in the abandoned building. He himself had brought them here. Aidan and Rumlow. His mind got a better grasp of reality again. Seconds later the song started playing, drowning the noises of explosions and gunshots.

_When I was a young boy ..._ Bucky closed his eyes. He was ashamed. The last minutes had been pathetic. He was pathetic. _... the saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned?_ The song pushed away his thoughts. While the singer's voice dispelled his self-doubt and the tune turned his racing heart into a steady rhythm, he felt safe. For the first time in months. Like nothing could hurt him. And even if, he didn't care. He'd tried so hard in the past weeks. Now he was exhausted and tired. Somewhere between sleep and waking. Not knowing whether Aidan would call the police as soon as he was asleep or not. Right now, Bucky didn't care. The music made him strong. Made him feel normal. Lulling him ...

_... to join the black parade._

 

**November 4th, 1943 - Bucky**

Steve had saved him, but maybe he had forgotten a part. Bucky's mind was still inside of the HYDRA facility. He clenched his teeth. The hours and days he'd spent in the lab with Dr. Zola, he'd known that Steve was safe. Bucky's way of coping with everything done to him. Knowing that the torture wasn't pointless. That the war wasn't pointless. Everything he'd done ... to protect Steve, wasn't pointless. But now Steve didn't need his protection anymore. He was taller than Bucky. Stronger than him. It had always been Bucky who'd saved Steve. Now that it was reversed, he felt useless.

His empty stare was glued to the drink in front of him. A smile made his lips twitch. His Steve. Unintentionally, he chuckled. The one guy, he'd always protected, was now a super soldier. And Bucky himself was a mess. He sighed. Now he couldn't stop Steve anymore from doing anything stupid. Actually, he couldn't stop Steve from doing anything. Damnit! He should have been here! He should have stopped them from hurting his friend. Did it ever occur to Steve that when Bucky had said _'Don't do anything stupid until I get back'_ , he'd basically meant that Steve wouldn't let people experiment on him?

Now it was too late. Now Steve was wearing this stupid costume. This stupid ... form-fitting costume. Bucky blinked a few times. Whoa there, thoughts! He didn't think of Steve in that way! Well, not until now.

Holy cow ... he'd always felt a deep love towards Steve, but not in a sexual way.

"How about you? You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?"

Bucky looked up at Steve, who unfortunately wasn't wearing the suit anymore. "Hell, no. That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I'm following him." He tried to hold back a smile, but failed. That was the answer he was looking for. He didn't love Captain America, he loved Steve. In every way possible. Although ... "But you're keeping the outfit, right?" ... there was always space for improvement.

Steve eyed him up, not quizzically, but knowing and slightly amused. "You know what? It's kinda growin' on me."

Bucky couldn't help but grin.

Before either of them could say something else, the men in the other room stopped singing. Both of them leaned back in their chairs to see what happened. A woman entered the room. Bucky recognized her. She had talked to Steve when they'd returned. He had to admit that she looked stunning in that red dress. He also noticed how Steve's face lit up a little when he saw her. It made his own heart ache a little. Seeing Steve so happy looking at someone else.

"Captain," she said, voice soft.

"Agent Carter," Steve replied.

At least Bucky had a nickname, right? Steve didn't call him Mr. Barnes. That was something! The voice in the back of his head reminded him that Steve called him Bucky, because he considered him a friend. And nothing more. Just a friend. Not _just_. Steve's friendship meant more to Bucky than anything else. "Ma'am," he mumbled.

"Howard has some equipment for you to try. Tomorrow morning?" She had a british accent.

Bucky frowned. Who the heck was Howard? And what equipment? Did they already ... Maybe it was their word for ... He pushed his thoughts aside. Bullshit. Steve wouldn't call her _Agent Carter_ then.

"Sounds good." Steve's voice was almost ridiculously soft.

Bucky stared at him and chewed his inner cheek. He was gone for a few days and BOOM, his little Steve was all of sudden super strong, super tall and super in love. Great. Just great.

Awkward silence. Huh. Bucky looked down to hide his smile. Jealousy was making a monster out of him, he had to admit. Agent Carter said something, but Bucky didn't listen. "You don't like music?" he asked with a small grin. Steve loved music. They were _so_ not made for each other!

"I do, actually," she answered without breaking eye contact with Steve. They both smiled.

_Damnit._

"I might even, when this is all over, go dancing," she said, staring directly into Steve's eyes.

_Yeah, whatever princess, no one asked_. Bucky forced a smile. "Then what are we waiting for?" His fake smile faded instantly. Yeah, he wasn't good at hiding his jealousy.

"The right partner."

Bucky would gladly help her searching for that partner. As long as it wasn't Steve. Dude, could they just stop with their eye-sex?!

She left. Bucky gazed after her. So did Steve. "I'm invisible," he muttered. Invisible for Steve. Even for the woman. Maybe the serum had turned him invisible? It was all Dr. I'm-swiss's fault! Bucky realized that Steve stared at him with a questioning look. Of course! Suddenly he could hear him! Fan-fucking-tastic! He brushed off his bad mood. "I'm turning into you. It's like a horrible dream."

Steve smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't take it so hard. Maybe she's got a friend."

Bucky clenched his teeth again as Steve exited the room. _Of course, dumbass! She has you!_

 * * * 

He had thought being strapped to that table was uncomfortable. But this bed topped it. The soft mattress hurt Bucky's back. He lay on said back. As straight as possible. Not moving. There were muffled voices outside. Soldiers talking about the war and what they'd experienced so far. Bucky tensed up as one of them mentioned HYDRA. He couldn't sleep. The fear that he'd wake up in the lab again, kept him awake. What if this was just another fever dream? He sat up and rubbed his face with both hands. The darkness didn't bother him. It was the soft light that scared him. The light he'd seen so long, lying on that table, staring at the ceiling.

"Just close your eyes," he told himself. He didn't lower his back to the mattress though. He just stared into the darkness. Silently, he got up. A few soldiers were asleep, so he tiptoed outside. James Falsworth looked up from the campfire and nodded to him.

Bucky forced a smile and continued walking. Steve had his own tent. Partly because he'd saved hundreds of lives today and partly because he was Captain America. And that was exactly who Bucky needed right now. He needed Captain America.

Carefully, he entered the tent and spotted Steve lying in his bed, sleeping. No snoring. Bucky pouted. He'd liked the snoring. Although the noises of the machines in Dr. Zola's lab had changed the soothing sound into something terrifying. Now that he thought about it, Bucky was quite glad that the serum had _healed_ Steve's snoring.

Maybe he shouldn't have come here. He was about to turn around, when Steve let out a sigh in his sleep. Bucky smiled and approached the bed. They'd done this a thousand times, why was it suddenly so hard? Before he could change his mind again, he lifted the blanket and lay down next to Steve. Comforting warmth radiated from his friend. That was new! Usually, Steve was cold and his bones were sharp. But now he was warm and not sharp at all.

"What are you doing?" Steve mumbled dozily.

"I'm trying to sleep," Bucky answered truthfully.

Silence. Bucky prayed to God that Steve fell asleep again. But apparently God wasn't with him right now, because Steve shifted and turned around so he faced Bucky. _Awkward!_

Although Steve didn't say anything, Bucky felt like he had to explain. "I- I can't sleep. I'm afraid that when I wake up, I'm trapped again."

"I won't let that happen, I promise." Steve smiled, his eyes falling close, before fluttering open again. "Why would that happen?"

Bucky sighed. "When the pain was too much, I imagined being in Brooklyn. In ... your bed." That was a lot more awkward than intended. He blushed and cleared his throat. "You're right, it's ridiculous, I should go and-"

"No," Steve interrupted him. "It's okay. Actually, I missed that." He chuckled. "Til the end of the line, remember?"


	4. I'm sorry

_“I just...I just miss him. And I hate being so alone.”_

**_Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games_ **

****

**July 5th, 2014 - Steve**

"Who's our missing person?" Steve asked as he placed a beer bottle on the table in front of Sam. They were back at Sam's. Steve still needed to call Tony to let him know that he wasn't coming back any time soon. There was too much work to do.

Sam took the beer and pinched the bridge of his nose with the other hand. "Aidan Lewis. A paramedic. He's 24 years old, looks like 16. His father is a Vietnam vet and his sister is a student at Culver University. Guess who she works with?" He took a pull on the bottle and looked at Steve expectantly.

Steve shrugged. "Don't know. Who?"

"Jane Foster." Sam grinned and put the bottle back on the table.

"Astrophysicist Jane Foster?" Steve hadn't met her yet, but Thor mentioned her in nearly every conversation. Sometimes it made Steve set his jaw when he saw his team mates being so happy with their significant others. Only his own relationships never seemed to work out.

"Yep. Her name's Darcy and she's going to be here tomorrow evening. We'll talk to her then."

Steve nodded. Bucky was somewhere out there and until now he hadn't gotten into any trouble. He'd kept a low profile for months. And now suddenly he abducted two people.

"Penny for your thoughts." Sam muted the TV and grabbed the bottle again.

"I don't- I don't think that he's still the Winter Soldier. Before I fell off of the Helicarrier, the way Bucky looked at me ... It wasn't like back when he attacked us on the freeway. He remembered me. I know that he remembers me and more importantly himself. He's looking for answers." Steve swallowed. He felt the lump in his throat. It took away his air to breathe.

Sam cleared his throat. "We must consider that maybe Bucky doesn't even know the questions, Steve. He was your friend in the 40s. A lot of things have changed, you know?"

Steve waved the arguments away with a lazy hand movement. "Yeah, but there's still some Bucky left. I just need to find him and help him."

There was a short pause before Sam put away his beer again and faced Steve. His face was a little tensed up. Steve knew him good enough. The conversation was getting serious now. "Steve. Natasha and I, we had a few talks."

Steve raised his brows. He didn't like the sound of that. When Natasha had talks with people it was either about something really serious or about Steve's non-existant dating life. At the moment he really hoped Sam was about to give him some tips about how to ask someone out.

"You're acting a little ... quick-tempered lately," Sam admitted hesitantly. No dating tips then.

Steve pouted. Maybe he'd lost his temper a few times in the last months, but come on! They weren't making any progress. Most of his friends didn't even know who Bucky was, not to mention that he was back with a metal arm and an erased memory.

"And we want you to know that ... the search for Bucky ... this is _your_ fight. But you're not alone. You're losing your friends, trying to find him. It's as if we never existed, Steve! Your whole life revolves around Bucky! You care so much about him that you are unaware of everything else!"

Steve didn't realize how desperate Sam sounded. He felt offended instead. "Am I? Give me an example! I am aware of every-"

"Tony turned to drinking again."

The words cut deeper than the knowledge of Bucky being out there. It felt like Steve's guts turned into ice while the guilt squeezed at his brain. How could he have not noticed that? His anger evaporated. "He didn't!" Steve said. His voice was shaking but he still tried to say it with as much conviction as possible. If he believed it hard enough, maybe the lie would turn into the truth, right? "Please tell me, he didn't."

Sam sighed and slouched his shoulders. "Didn't you notice the looks everyone gave him at the party yesterday?"

Steve shook his head. He hadn't. His mind had been with Bucky. God, he felt so bad. "I gotta call him right now."

"We, or rather they, because I don't know him that well, were trying to be discreet about it. But Natasha thinks that you and Pepper are the only people who can help him right now. And Pepper is in Europe so ..."

"Yeah, and I was blind to everything. I'm sorry Sam. I wasn't trying to be a dick. All I want is to-"

"Find Bucky. I know." Sam sighed but a smile tugged at his lips. "We'll find him, okay? There's someone who needs your help more than Bucky right now." He held out his phone to Steve.

Steve took it and dialed Tony's number. "Thanks, Sam. I promise I'll be normal again."

Sam smiled and unmuted the TV, while Steve went to the next room. The kittchen. He leaned against the table and waited for Tony to pick up the phone.

Finally someone answered and groaned. "Hm?"

"Tony?" Steve frowned.

"Mh-hm."

Steve relaxed a little. "Tony, I'm on my way back, okay? I'll be there in a few hours. We need to talk."

There was another groan at the other end of the phone. "What, you breaking up with me?"

"I- No, Tony. I'm not breaking up with you." Steve smiled at the ground as he waited for a reply.

Tony chuckled. "I'm relieved. I really thought it was over when you stole one of my damaged Quinjets. Barton and I were already making plans."

"What plans?" Steve asked softly.

"Where we would look for you and the other bird guy. You know, if the Quinjet would've come down, because it was fucking damaged and you nearly got yourself killed!" Tony let out an angry snort. "So don't tell me that you're on your way back. I told JARVIS to shut everything down. That thing won't fly and you won't be here in a few hours! How did you survive 90 years when everything you do is reckless?!"

Steve remained silent. That had sounded a lot like something Bucky would've said. But right now it wasn't Bucky. It was Tony. And Steve heard the concern and the grief in his voice. "I'm sorry, Tony. I've been a terrible friend lately. But I'll be home tomorrow and I'll make it good again. I promise."

The silence that followed made Steve curse himself. Tony had just seen through him. God damnit! He should have been more tactful. Why didn't he just ask him: _Hey Tony, heard you had a drinking problem again, sorry I didn't notice because I was busy trying to find my soviet assassine boyfri..._ Whatever.

"Who told you?" Tony asked. His voice was cold. It hurt Steve that Tony didn't even consider that Steve might have figured it out himself.

"Doesn't matter."

"It does, indeed! I should've known that you guys talk about me behind my back! Oh look at Tony, he's being irresponsible again!" he imitated a scornful voice. "Fuck that! Fuck you! It's my choice, okay? I'm not addicted, I can control it! And ..." he trailed off. "I don't need your help, Rogers. I'm tired, okay? Just ... just leave me alone."

Steve bit his lower lip before he took a deep breath. "Tony. I won't ever leave you alone. Listen, I'll be there as fast as possible. And we gonna talk."

"Talk? Talk about what! How fucked up I am? I don't need you for that!"

"No, Tony." Steve clenched his teeth. "We gonna talk about something important, I need your help with. And you need to be sober."

The next wave of silence was different. Steve knew that he'd just caught Tony's interest. "Something important?" he repeated, his voice a little lower this time. "What exactly?"

Steve smiled. "My boyfriend."

 

**November 5th, 1943 - Bucky**

Back when Steve had been tiny and weak nobody had given a single shit about him. But now he had appointments, meetings and plannings to do. Bucky laughed bitterly. Everyone spent more time with Steve than he did. Instead he wallowed in self-pity and jealousy.

He let out a heavy sigh and watched the other soldiers walking around, talking about their girlfriends or wives. Some of them had asked Bucky if he had a girlfriend. The answer was no. Everytime. But most of them kept pushing, asked him about his dream woman. If only they knew that the closest he'd ever come to his dream relationship had been the last night. Falling asleep next to Steve and waking up, feeling the warmth of his best friend. It was so depressing. An appointment with Howard. At least that was what Steve had said, before he'd left half an hour ago. Bucky had figured out who Howard was. Howard Stark. The guy with the flying car. The guy who was involved in turning Steve into Captain America. Thanks for that, asshat!

"Bloody idiot!"

Exactly! Bucky looked up and froze. Agent Carter aka the person who Steve loved more than him. She clenched not only her teeth but also her fists. Her hair fell in perfect brown waves and her lipstick was still red and perfect. That meant she hadn't made out with Steve in the past minutes. What a time to be alive!

"Everything all right?" he forced himself to ask.

Agent Carter winced. Apparently she hadn't noticed him, leaning against the wall near the entrance. "I apologise. The Captain and I had an unfortun... You are Mr. Barnes."

He half-smiled. "I think so, yeah. What happened?" She had mentioned Steve, so it could be interesting.

She sighed heavily. "I don't ... You and Steve, you've been friends before all this happened, right?"

"Yeah. I'm used to his dumbassery." He emphasized the last word as jokingly as he could.

Agent Carter let out a hearty laugh. It hurt Bucky. She looked beautiful when she laughed. Her eyes were bright and she didn't look like an expensive painting anymore. No wonder that Steve fell in love with her.

"Dumbassery. I cannot think of a better word." She crossed her arms and looked into the distance.

Bucky pushed himself away from the wall. "What did he do?" For the first time in forever he wasn't defensive, although a stranger was about to talk about Steve. It didn't feel right.

She sighed again and looked more than just unhappy. "He kissed her."

With a blank expression Bucky stared at her. "He did what?"

"He kissed Lorraine. She's Howard's secretary. I caught them. He told me about this _finding the right partner_ crap and I thought ..." She chuckled sarcastically. "I thought we had some kind of special connection. But apparently I was wrong."

Bucky's brain still tried to digest what Agent Carter just said. "He _kissed_ her? How long do they know each other?"

"They don't," she said, her cheekbones standing out a little as she clenched her teeth again. Bucky had never felt so connected to her before. Maybe because he just knew her for two days, but whatever.

"He kissed a woman he barely knows?!" That was not the Steve he knew. His muscles tightened. He kissed a stranger? Bucky wanted his Steve back.

Agent Carter eyed him up and held out her hand. "I'm Peggy Carter."

Bucky shook and lightly pressed her hand before he let go again. "Bucky Barnes."

"I am delighted to meet you." She smiled. "You turned Steve into a hero, you know? Before he went on this mission to save you-"

He stifled a laugh. "He didn't go on this mission to save me in particular."

She frowned, before letting out a puzzled laugh. "Of course. You were the only reason why he took this risk. I think you underestimate the impact you have on him."

The blood drained from his face. "But he saved over 400 men."

Peggy nodded. "Yes. He saved 400 men, trying to save just one."

Bucky swallowed before he turned his head to the entrance. Due to his conversation with Peggy he hadn't noticed whether or not someone had left the building. "Uhm ... I ... gotta go. Thank you, Peg... Carter- Agent Carter. It was a pleasure to meet you. And to talk to you." He walked a few steps backwards.

She smiled. "The pleasure is all mine. Maybe I overreacted earlier." Guilt washed over her face.

Bucky frowned. "When you called him an idiot?"

"No." She awkwardly shook her head. "Howard and Steve talked about new equipment. They chose a new shield and uh ... I may or may not have fired a few shots at him."

Bucky raised an eyebrow before he cracked a grin. "But he's not hurt?"

"Maybe his ego is a little hurt, but other than that he's fine."

They both grinned at each other for a few seconds, before Bucky began to move again. "I gotta go, now. Thanks."

 

Bucky walked back to Steve's place. His steps were harsher than planned, but he had every reason to be angry. As he entered the housing, he already spotted Steve standing in front of the mirror and eyeing his own reflection. In his hand he held a big metal plate.

Steve turned around and raised an eyebrow. "What do you think? Howard's planning to paint it. It's way better than the old one."

Bucky snorted. "Love it. You can ask Lorraine to paint it with her lipstick, huh?"

A frown crossed over Steve's face and he lowered the shield. "Who?"

"The woman you kissed today." Bucky spat.

Steve raised both eyebrows in concern. "Firstly, she kissed me. And- why are you so angry? You all right?"

Bucky laughed bitterly. "Yeah. I'm great, Steve! I've never been better!"

Steve put away the shield and approached his friend. "Buck, what's wrong? Is it because of HYDRA? What did they do? I swear that I'll make them pay for it!"

Bucky stamped his foot onto the ground. "Nothing HYDRA did to me was as painful as watching you fall in love with Peggy!" The moment he yelled it, he already wanted to take it back. But the sentence was out there. And it hung in the air like a bad smell. He ran his hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to feel this way. You were never supposed to mean this much to me! But you know what? You do! I heard about you and this woman and I hate it, because she loves Captain America! But I love Steve Rogers! I always did! Since you were that little blond shit from Brooklyn! Peggy does! And I get that you love her, because she's great! She's nice and beautiful. And she loved you before you became Captain America! I know that, because she looks at you. And she _sees_ you. Not Captain America. She sees Steve Rogers. And I want you and her to be happy. Although this terrible jealousy keeps me awake every minute, but ... at least I'd know that you're happy."

**July 5th, 2014 - Bucky**

There were a few seconds between sleep and waking. Seconds in which he was not the Winter Soldier, but James Buchanan Barnes. In these moments he felt a deep affection towards Steve Rogers and the hope that everything might turn out all right. And then the moment was over.

While Bucky's mind still thought about how he could've fallen asleep, his body already was on high alert. He jumped on his feet and looked around, frantically searching for Rumlow or the paramedic. No, no, no! The room was empty. Bucky's pulse quickened. If they'd escaped, someone would come for him.

"Fuck!" he swore. The phone was gone too. They'd probably called the police already. Bucky left the room and jogged to the big entrance. He was so stupid. Falling asleep just like that had never happened to him before. Except for when he had been with Steve. He stopped. Steve. With furrowed brows Bucky clung to a memory of him and Steve sharing a bed. Confused by the unexpected picture inside his head, he continued walking. Did he and Captain America ...

"The good news is that-"

Bucky winced and raised his metal arm, ready to kill. At the last second he was able to direct his blow to the right. Instead of the paramedic's head, he punched a glaring hole in the wall.

Aidan grew pale. "Err, sorry."

Bucky gulped and pulled back his arm. His human hand was shaking. He'd just nearly killed an innocent. Something HYDRA had trained him for. "Where have you been?" he asked very slowly. "Where is Rumlow?"

Aidan coughed. "Ugh yeah. He's in the back of the ambulance. There is a lot more equipment, you know? When you abducted the coma guy, you forgot to steal- uhm to take the monitor. And basically a lot more stuff that keeps him alive, so ... I did some research and I think we should totally bring him back to the hospital, because-"

"No!"

"Not even if I tell you that when he wakes up here, he'll be in a hell of a lot of pain, because you didn't steal enough Morphine? And the Midazolam is running out too. So if we wanna slowly minimize the medication we have to do it within the next two days, which is impossible, because I cannot risk that man's life, no matter what he did! I wanted to save people, not kill them! And you can't force me to wake him up. And anyway, be glad that I didn't call the police yet! If you didn't remind me of my Dad so much, I would've done that hours ago! Hell, I don't even know your name!"

Bucky frowned. "I didn't _steal_ it. I just borrowed some equipment."

"Is that really all you got out of my speech?" Aidan groaned.

Basically. Bucky rubbed his temples trying to get rid of the piercing pain inside his head. "My name is ... James."

"James," Aidan repeated. "Very well then."

The throbbing pain squeezed around his head. He tried to relieve it by closing his eyes and continuing to rub his temples.

"You should drink something," Aidan commented. "Might help with the headache."

Bucky opened his eyes again and glanced at Aidan. For a brief moment, he saw Steve again. These visions haunted him.

 

"So ... We removed the sedation and minimized the pain medication. He's actually supposed to wake up within the next 24 hours." Aidan looked proud of himself.

They sat in the back of the ambulance. Bucky's gaze was fixed on Rumlow. He remembered him when he still looked like himself. Now his face was scarred. Not just his face. Basically everything. His flesh was shining in an unhealthy pink and fire and debris had partly eaten away his skin, leaving it charred here and there. In the past Rumlow had been a cocky asshole, but now Bucky almost felt bad for him. But then again, Rumlow had watched him being tortured for years without doing anything.

"He probably won't wake up for at least three hours."

Bucky frowned. He was impatient. On the one hand, he wanted Rumlow to wake up. He wanted to yell at him, punish him for what he'd done to him. But on the other hand he was afraid. Maybe it wouldn't turn out as planned. Rumlow was already paying a high price for his crimes. And if Bucky tried to hurt or even kill him, he would be exactly what HYDRA had always wanted him to be. A killer. A monster.

"Why did you abduct me? Why not someone else?" Aidan avoided Bucky's eyes and stared at the monitor instead. "His vital signs are okay."

Bucky tore his gaze away from Rumlow. "You reminded me of someone."

"Who?"

He hesitated. "A friend. I lost him a few years ago."

"How?"

_I fell off a train and he didn't._ Bucky remained silent and sighed.

Apparently Aidan got the message and didn't push further. "You reminded me of my Dad after he returned from Vietnam. Wasn't fun. He had panic attacks and Mom couldn't really handle it. So for a few months it was just my sister and me. She was always there, but then she went to the university. She's studying political science." He paused. "We've kinda lost sight of each other."

"Steve and I were friends. We joined the army and had a mission together. But I was separated from him and captured by HYDRA. I was believed to be dead, but HYDRA ... they changed me, you know?" Bucky looked down at his hands. He didn't know why he could share these stories so easily with Aidan. Maybe it was because the paramedic looked so much like Steve.

Aidan's mouth fell open. "HYDRA? World War II HYDRA?!"

Bucky looked up and nodded.

"When exactly did you join the army?" Aidan asked suspiciously.

"Does it matter?" Bucky remembered that he and Steve had visited the US Recruiting and Induction Center at Christmas in 1941. But they'd rejected Steve. Not only once.

"Yes, indeed! Although-" Aidan's eyes travelled from Bucky to Rumlow. "He's not Steve, right?"

Bucky shook his head.

"Is he ... HYDRA? You said that he was one of the people who did this," he pointed at Bucky's arm, "to you."

"He's an agent of HYDRA, yes." His voice dripped with contempt. The more he discovered about his past, the more he hated himself for having been a part of HYDRA for so long.

"A Nazi?! You forced me to wake up a Nazi?!" Aidan yelled in disbelief.

Bucky leaned back and crossed his arms. "No, you said that I couldn't force you to wake him up. It was your own free will."

"No, no, no! Don't twist my words here! I never-"

Rumlow groaned.


	5. That's what friends do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a while. I'm terribly sorry :(  
> But I think people who enjoy Stucky might as well enjoy this chapter ;)  
> Oh and Happy Valentine's Day!

_“Love meant jumping off a cliff and trusting that a certain person would be there to catch you at the bottom.”_

_**Jodi Picoult**_

****

**July 6th, 2014 - Steve**

The moment Steve left the elevator, he knew something was wrong. It was dark. No sign of Tony anywhere. No music playing. Nothing. The tower was alarmingly quiet. He switched on the light and looked around. Right next to the couch, some scattered pictures lay on the ground.

Steve frowned and went to take a closer look. Pictures of the Avengers, Pepper, Tony, Iron Man suits, more pictures of Tony, Tony and Steve, Tony and Pepper, Tony and Bruce, Tony and Natasha, who didn't look too happy though. Steve smiled and picked up a group shot of all the Avengers. Most of his friends in one photograph. He pushed away his thoughts concerning Bucky. This wasn't about Bucky. This was about Tony, who was nowhere to be seen.

"Tony?" he called. Silence. Steve's smile faded. Fear rose in his chest. He just hoped, Tony hadn't done anything stupid. He went upstairs and saw Tony's bedroom door standing ajar, but there wasn't light either.

Without hesitation, he entered the room and turned on the light. A blanket lay on the ground next to the bed, in which Tony slept spread-eagled. His hair was tousled and his mouth open. He wore sweatpants and besides the blanket there was also a shirt on the ground with the label of a band.

Steve leaned against the door frame and tilted his head. Even when he was asleep, Tony managed to look concerned or yet anxious. Both brows raised a little, hands on each side of his pillow, at a level with his head, as if he'd just surrendered. Maybe he did. Tony wasn't the same person Steve had met a few years ago. He'd matured and turned into a selfless hero. Iron Man was a great addition to the team. All the same, it was a pity. Sometimes all Steve needed was a cocky remark or a teasing comment. A light among all these bad things that had happened lately. Tony was one of the few people who had never treated him with kid gloves, just because the 21st century wasn't exactly Steve's time.

"Not sleeping," Tony mumbled as he lifted his head a few inches. "I was just resting my eyes." He blinked against the light that illuminated the room. "Would you please turn off the light? I have a terrible hangover."

Steve switched off the light and looked up towards the ceiling, to see how the light turned into a faint glow.

"Thanks," Tony muttered, his voice trailing off.

Steve's eyes still got used to the darkness, but he was quite sure that his friend was nearly asleep again. He blinked a few times until he saw sufficiently.

Tony wasn't asleep. At least not entirely. His posture hadn't changed, but his right arm felt for the blanket. Steve couldn't help but grin. It looked like a weird alien had taken over his arm.

"Where the ..." Tony lifted his head again and eyed his bed. His annoyed expression turned into confusion.

Steve walked over to him and reached for the blanket. "You done with resting your eyes?" he asked before throwing the blanket over Tony, who let out a thankful grunt.

Before he answered, Tony rolled over on to his back. "Nope. But I'm done with you, Cap."

Steve frowned. "What?"

Tony sat up and rubbed his face with both hands. It took a little time until he focused on Steve and grinned. "Your boyfriend, huh? I wasn't sober when you called, but I'm dead certain that you said something about a boyfriend." He chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Steve asked offended.

Tony's grin spread. "There's a whole bunch of new nicknames I can use now! Screw Capsicle! It's Bisicle now! Get it? Like a bike but with the icicle part and the boyfrie- You're right. Doesn't matter." He pointed to the end of the bed. "Sit down and talk to me, buddy. Oh and have you seen my clothes somewhere?"

Steve rolled his eyes and picked up the shirt. AC/DC. Spending a few hours with Tony, it was nearly impossible to not know AC/DC. He threw the tee at Tony, who caught it with one hand and wrinkled his nose.

"I wore this one for way too long. Would you mind bringing me a new one?"

Steve sighed and headed for the closet. Before he got there, he stopped and turned around. "Tony, I'm not gonna go in there just so you can make another stupid pun."

Tony smirked and got up. "I would never ... Okay, you got me there. I'll stop. Don't say good bi yet."

Steve raised an eyebrow. "Really? I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now."

"Did you just use a meme? With a double meaning?" Tony looked genuinely impressed.

_Finally_ , the time he'd spent with Natasha paid off. Steve was more than just proud, although he was tired of the jokes. Natasha, Tony and Sam were the main reason why he knew so much about movies, bands or the internet. Other people would randomly drop a few 21st century references, but especially Nat and Tony had handed him whole notebooks full of important events or movies. Most of the time it was fun-stuff or things Steve just didn't get. For example the pictures of a weird frog, Clint texted him every Sunday for no reason. But every once in a while someone told him about devastating events. Like that one time after his awakening when Tony had told him about 9/11.

Tony put on a new shirt and went back to his bed. "I'm ready. Tell me everything!"

 

_Everything_ ended up as _almost everything_. Steve left out Bucky's name and the fact that he was now a brainwashed assassine. And the stuff with HYDRA. Okay, he nearly left out everything. He mentioned the past relationship and that Bucky had some problems with the law now.

"Your boyfriend is a criminal?" Tony asked with a frown. "I'm surprised."

Steve wrung his hands and shook his head. "He's not a criminal. He did ... stuff. Some people forced him to do it and one day we met again when I was his new ... uh ... _job_. The thing is that Sam and I think he escaped and he has special skills that should make it easy for him to survive on the street. But apparently he still managed to get into trouble."

Tony's eyebrows shot up in surprise and he opened his mouth before closing it again. "Are you trying to tell me that your boyfriend is a prostitute?"

"What?! No!" Steve's voice sounded terribly high-pitched. "He was a ..." He stopped and bit his lower lip. Why did everything always had to be so complicated? He trusted Tony. More than most people. But somehow opening up about Bucky felt like betraying him. It made both of them vulnerable.

Steve was afraid of what Tony would say. Whenever people talked about Bucky with the slightest hint of judgement, he got mad. Plus, it wasn't out yet if Bucky was responsible for the death of Tony's parents. Steve personally didn't believe it. He couldn't. Howard had been a close friend. Just the thought that HYDRA had used Bucky to kill him ...

"So he _was_ a prostitute. But not anymore?" Tony pouted thoughtfully. "And now he got in trouble? With his pimp? Or the law?"

Steve buried his face in his hands. "Yeah. Basically. But without the prostitution part. And now people are looking for him."

"People? You mean the law? What did he do?"

"He ... stole something." That wasn't entirely wrong. He'd stolen a person, but Steve had never had an obsession with details, so ...

Tony seemed to ponder about the situation. The fact that he'd just made everything even more complicated by turning Bucky into a prostitute and HYDRA into a pimp, made Steve grin. He couldn't help it, he just burst out laughing.

"Let's just drop it." He grinned.

"I don't get it." Tony cocked his eyebrows and stood up. "When did your sex life become more difficult than mine?"

Steve threw back his head and let out a short laugh. "Sorry for not giving you a straight answer."

They both looked at each other and cracked up with laughter again. Tony still grinned stupidly as he walked to the door. Steve noticed the wrinkles around his eyes, that deepened whenever he laughed. Being a friend of Tony was worth every second of it. But Steve wondered how long they'd still be friends. What if Bucky really had killed Howard and his wife? No. That wouldn't have been Bucky then. It would have been the Winter Soldier. But Tony wouldn't see the difference. He'd just see the man who'd murdered his parents. Bucky wasn't the only reason why Steve was concerned though. Everyone grew older. And everyone had their own problems. Especially Tony who'd been having panic attacks ever since the Chitauri incident. Steve had witnessed the attacks a few times and he still got shaken by them. Seeing a close one so helpless and scared, made him feel numb. It felt like back then, after he'd freed Bucky. Tony wasn't Steve's first friend who suffered from panic attacks. And even seventy years later he couldn't cope with them.

Tony switched on the light, although it was unnecessary by now. The sun flooded the bedroom with its first rays in a pleasantly warm light.

"I guess we should talk about the other problem now." Tony looked at Steve with nothing but trust in his eyes.

Steve nodded. "Okay."

 

 

**July 6th, 2014 - Bucky**

"Do I look like Harry Potter? I'm not a wizard! I can't just wake him up with a snap of my fingers. Okay, 24 hours are already over, but his breathing gets better and we can reduce the support of the ventilator." Aidan bit his lower lip and eyed Rumlow. "I have a bad feeling about this."

Bucky rolled his eyes. They'd been sitting in this ambulance for hours, waiting for a sign. After Rumlow's groan, the tension rose with every minute. And Bucky couldn't do anything to ease it.

The weather became brisk and dusk was approaching. It was weird. Bucky's training had made it possible for him to stay awake and on high alert for over three days. But the longer he spent on his own and without HYDRA, the faster he got tired every day. Maybe it was the fact that he felt save for the first time in ages. He knew that he _could_ sleep whenever he wanted. That was until Rumlow had groaned. Now Bucky didn't dare to close his eyes anymore. He'd brought Aidan to this place, he was responsible for getting him out of here in one piece.

Aidan cleared his throat and started rubbing his neck. "May I ... uh ... go to the toilet?"

Bucky hid a grin and nodded.

"Great!" Aidan rushed out of the ambulance and disappeared behind a few shrubs.

Bucky tensed up as Rumlow caught his eyes again. Did he move? He squinted at the former agent. No sign of movement or consciousness. Crap. Instead of focusing too much on the different kinds of scars on Rumlow's body, Bucky tried to collect himself and sum up all the important memories he'd remembered so far. There was Steve. The small guy from Brooklyn who'd somehow turned into Captain America and survived seventy years without aging. Bucky pouted. He remembered being angry at Steve. But he also remembered being flustered. He was sure that Captain America had told him the truth after all. They really had been friends. Good friends. _More than friends?_ He gulped. No! Or yes? They'd spent a lot of time together. They'd shared the same bed often. But he couldn't remember if they'd ever done more than just sleeping next to each other.

A strange tapping sound jolted him out of his daydreams. Bucky blinked a few times and looked around. Aidan wasn't back yet. It took a little while until he fixed his eyes on Rumlow, whose eyes were still closed. His right hand was tapping on the gurney over and over again. Just the right one. The left hand didn't move at all.

Aidan entered the ambulance and looked relieved.

Bucky pointed at Rumlow. "Why does his hand do this?"

The paramedic frowned. "You tell me."

Both of them didn't move until the tapping stopped. Bucky tilted his head to one side and waited for something to happen.

"He's nearly breathing on his own again." Aidan furrowed his brows. Apparently that wasn't something he'd expected.

"Which is bad, because ...?" Bucky eyed the monitor and tried to understand what all these signs meant. He was a trained assassine, not a doctor.

Aidan shook his head. "It's _not_ bad. Actually, it's great if you want him to wake up soon. But ... I didn't expect him to breathe on his own so fast after the induced coma." He looked at Bucky. "What happened to him? Or is it classified? Some top-secret stuff?" A grin spread on his face.

"Captain America dropped a building on his face." The nervousness was back. Tapping, breathing ... signs that he'd wake up, right? It made Bucky uncomfortable. If Rumlow woke up, Aidan had to be as far away as possible.

"I'm sorry, did you just say Captain America?"

Bucky nodded.

"Captain America?!" Aidan raised his voice. "The frozen Avenger Captain America?!"

"I didn't know there was another one," Bucky retorted. Frozen. Made sense. HYDRA had kept Bucky frozen for years. Maybe SHIELD had done the same to Steve? The thought made him angry. How dared they to hurt his friend! His metal hand clenched into a fist. But why had Steve turned into a loved hero, and Bucky had ended up as a monster, when SHIELD and HYDRA had been one and the same thing for decades? His hand unclenched again. Steve had always been the stronger one. Even back then, when he hadn't had any muscles at all. It was the reason why Bucky had looked up to him. Or down, due to the height difference. A smile tugged at his lips.

Rumlow's eyelids fluttered open.

Bucky's heart dropped. _He wasn't ready. He wasn't prepared!_ Every thought of what could possibly go wrong shot through his head like a machine gun, giving him the shivers.

With a terrifying blandness Rumlow stared into space, before he closed his eyes again.

Aidan checked the monitor. "We're good. He's doing ... well."

"Do you think he can hear us?" Bucky asked carefully. He'd held back a sigh of relief when Rumlow had closed his eyes.

"Probably, yes. But the morphine should dull his senses, so he can hear us, but his mind doesn't understand what we're saying, you know?"

Bucky nodded slowly. The description sounded like the feeling he'd had shortly before and after every cryosleep.

"He doesn't need the ventilator anymore. I think we can remove it."

 

Once Aidan had removed the ventilator, Rumlow looked even more dead. But Bucky knew he wasn't. This guy wouldn't leave this world without a massacre. And the more strength he gained with every minute, the more dangerous he became.

"Get outta here!" Bucky said with a tight voice.

Aidan didn't move and caused the soldier to look up at him. "I said, get out of here."

The blond man shook his head. "I'm responsible, man! I woke up an induced coma patient and I didn't call the police! If he wakes up now-"

"You gotta be as far away as possible," Bucky finished. "Somewhere safe. He is dangerous and I'm not gonna let him hurt you." He had a stern look on his face. " _I'm_ the one who's responsible. You got that?"

Aidan nodded reluctantly. "Gotcha. But-"

Rumlow coughed and blinked a few times. It was too late.

"He's pumped full of morphine. It would be a miracle, if he was able to sit up within the next few hours."

Bucky wasn't entirely convinced. Rumlow had survived being crushed by a building. A little morphine wouldn't stop him from doing anything.

"Besides, he's cuffed to the bed. So he won't go anywhere."

Bucky snorted. Yeah! Cuffs would totally stop Rumlow. It'd take him five seconds and the cuffs were gone.

Rumlow kept his eyes open and stared at the ceiling bleary-eyed. Without warning he fixed his gaze on Bucky and opened his mouth. He didn't show any other reaction than mouthing a soundless _Fuck_. His eyes squinted and fell close again.

"I'm gonna reduce the morphine a little more, okay?" Aidan waited for Bucky's consent before he adjusted the injection. It was silent for a few minutes. They just stared at Rumlow. Bucky was skeptical. At the moment he still had the chance to finish Rumlow. Make him pay! But unfortunately he needed answers. There were so many things he didn't know about himself or HYDRA.

"So get this," Rumlow burst out, making Bucky slightly jump, "there was a helicarrier ... in my face ... you can tell Pierce that the guy bootlicking Cap jumped out of a window. That bird-guy." He opened his eyes again. "My face!" A yelp escaped his mouth.

Bucky stared at him numbly. "I have some good news and some bad news for you."

Rumlow frowned which caused him to cringe in pain again. "Yo... Watch your mouth!"

"The good news are, the bird-guy and Captain America are alive."

"How's that s'posed to be good-"

Bucky continued. "Bad news are, so are you."

Rumlow stared at him with wide eyes. With a slow movement he raised his hand. It stopped a few inches above the bed due to the cuffs. A dumbfounded expression crossed his face as he looked around. "Where- What are you wear... Tell Pierce that this ain't my fault, okay?"

"HYDRA's gone. Pierce's dead." Bucky unclenched his fists. With Pierce gone, he wasn't endangered anymore. He'd always been the one who'd set up the torture. The electric shocks.

Aidan watched their conversation, but remained silent.

"I remember, you know? I remember everything." Bucky had become a pretty good liar by now.

Rumlow hesitated and closed his mouth without saying anything. He looked at Bucky and held his gaze. A few moments later, he averted his eyes and gulped.

"I need answers." Bucky crossed his arms.

Within seconds the daunted look on Rumlow's face vanished. A cocky grin took its place. He suppressed a few coughs. "You need answers? That means you _don't_ remember everything! They roasted your brain, Winter Soldier! Over and over again! You've gotta be fucking kidding me!"

Bucky clenched his teeth. His metal hand reacted faster than his conscience and closed around Rumlow's throat. He bent over the gasping man and let out a deep growl. "You'll tell me everything or I'm gonna strangle you right here and right now!"

Rumlow fought for air and tried to pull away Bucky's arm, which was impossible because he was still cuffed to the bed. His eyes got teary and a stifling cry escaped his throat.

"James!" Aidan's voice pierced through Bucky's anger-clouded mind.

_"Bucky?" Steve stared at him._

Bucky pulled back his hand and shook his head. That wasn't him anymore! He was not going to murder anyone! Not even Rumlow. And not just because the memory of Steve recognizing him had knocked him out of his stride.

Rumlow groaned with pain and started laughing, his right hand twitched again. "Son of a bitch! You know nothing! Captain America, huh? Do I look like I give a single shit about your star-spangled bastard? Did he sacrifice himself once again? For freedom? For America?" His laughter grew louder. "You think he's still your friend? You're a killer! An assassin! You'd get him into a lot of trouble! He can't even afford to be seen with you!"

Bucky took a deep breath. "Steve's not like you. I saved him. When he fell off that helicarrier, I jumped after him, because that's what friends do!"

A spiteful grin spread on Rumlow's face. "Oh, is that so?" He laughed and started coughing again. "May I remember you that there was this train incident? You fell! And your so-called _friend_ , he didn't give a flying fuck! Sound familiar? I read the files!" His hand was still twitching as he continued. "Rogers survived a plane crash into the ocean, he would've easily survived jumping off that train to save you. But he didn't! Because you ain't worth it!"

"He didn't jump because he knew that I would have killed him if he'd dared to get himself in this kind of danger!" Bucky yelled back.

"Uh-huh? Well newsflash! He jumped out of a fucking plane without a parachute! Apparently he enjoys getting himself in _this_ kind of danger!"

Bucky had ignored Rumlow's constantly flinching hand, now he realized it had been a mistake. The right cuff opened and released his hand.

Bucky was about to punch him right in the face, when Rumlow opened his mouth and yelled one word. "Sputnik!"

 

 

**November 5th, 1943 - Steve**

Bucky stood a few meters in front of him. His eyes slowly welling up with tears as he clenched and unclenched his fists. Seeing his best friend like this, broke Steve's heart.

"Bucky ... you have no idea how much you mean to me, but ..."

His blue eyes met Steve's. "But you don't feel like I do. I understand."

"Bucky-"

"No. Trust me. I really get it." Bucky pouted and looked back at Steve. Steve knew that kind of expression. The face of someone who had been rejected before and didn't know if he could go through it again. Yup, Steve had seen this expression often enough in his own mirror. "Can you do me a favor though?"

Steve nodded. "Everything."

"Don't punch me." Bucky bit his lip.

"Why would I-"

His friend took two big steps and cupped his face with both hands. Bucky hesitated and looked up at him, asking for his consent. The insecurity in his eyes gave Steve the final push. He yanked him closer to himself and slammed his lips to Bucky's. It was different from the kiss he'd shared with Lorraine earlier. Besides the fact that he hadn't felt anything special, her lips had been smooth but sticky with lipstick. Bucky's however, were chapped and Steve tasted blood, which he knew, came from Bucky's habit to chew his lips, when he was nervous. Yet, his lips were warm and they ignited a firework behind Steve's own closed eyelids. Bucky tangled his fingers in Steve's hair and his lips parted. They'd been friends for such a long time, but this feeling was completely new to Steve. It was what he'd always imagined love to feel like. The warmth in his chest, a close one's lips connected with his own, warm breath ghosting over his face, when Bucky exhaled through his nostrils, so he wouldn't have to break the kiss.

In some distance someone laughed, causing them to break apart. They stared at each other, slightly panting. There was a weird feeling spreading in Steve's stomach and rising into his chest until he was able to put a finger on it. The urge he felt. The need to feel Bucky's lips again. Like an addiction that had just unfolded. He wanted him. And he didn't care whether or not other people would approve it.

He grabbed Bucky's jacket and pulled him close again. Their faces were inches apart from each other. Bucky bit his lower lip, his gaze resting on Steve's mouth. The moment felt so innocent. So pure and meant to be. Nevertheless Steve couldn't help but wonder, if this was really about himself or about his newly earned super soldier body. His doubt made him lower his head. Bucky didn't back off, so their foreheads touched.

"If I wasn't a soldier now ... if I didn't have this body now ... would you still want this?" Steve kept his eyes on the ground for a few more seconds. He was afraid to look up. Afraid that he'd see something, he didn't want to see. His hand still clenched around the lapel of Bucky's uniform. He felt Bucky's heart beating against his knuckles. As he finally raised his head, Bucky's eyes were wide in surprise. He stepped back and slowly shook his head.

"You really think that? That I just want you because you're Captain America now?" He set his jaw, clearly offended by this thought. "Steve, you mean everything to me. Even without this outfit and the muscles. I've always loved you, but I never wanted to give bullies something they could hurt you with." A wave of sadness washed over Bucky's face. "People are cruel, Steve. They don't know how painful words can be."

Steve looked down with a small smile. "You always helped me, pal. I never really returned the favor, did I?"

Bucky blushed awkwardly. "Nah, you got me out of the HYDRA base. You don't have to love me, I know you tried. But I don't want you to pretend having feelings for me just because you feel like you owe me something."

Gently, Steve reached out for Bucky's arm. "I'm not pretending anything, Buck."

Bucky stared at him for a moment before he leaned in to him, his hand firm at the back of Steve's head, pulling him closer. Steve felt the tender brush of lips on his mouth and Bucky's warm, yet tickling breath, made him grin. Finally their lips connected, Steve's smile not bothering them at all. They knew each other for years, yet Steve hadn't expected Bucky to kiss like that! Passionate but cautiously. He practically tasted the emotions. At least it felt as if. Their lips moved in sync, breathing growing louder and Steve's thoughts stopped turning around the war. Right now, there was no war, no death, just them. He'd never made out with anyone, but the thought of passing the time like this, made him press his body firmer against Bucky's. He wanted this. He really did. Although he didn't know how they should manage all this in the middle of the war. Soldiers all around them ... But he was willing to try.

"Captain Rogers, I need to talk to you about-"

They instantly parted from each other. Steve stumbled a few steps away from Bucky and ran his fingers through his hair to bring it into shape again as Peggy entered his housing, carrying a pile of papers.

"- the operation. You need to take a look at these files and sign them." She lifted her eyes and met Steve's gaze with a cool look.

Bucky cleared his throat and ruffled his own hair, covering up that it had already been tousled.

Peggy gave him a nod. "Sergeant Barnes."

"Agent Carter." He nodded back. Steve watched their exchange of formalities. The two people he felt connected with the most.

Peggy looked back at Steve and handed him the papers. "You look dishevelled," she pointed out.

Steve felt the heat burning through his cheeks like his whole face was on fire. Damnit! "Yeah, uh I," he stammered, frantically searching for an excuse. "We just-"

One simple eyebrow-raise silenced him. "I'm afraid I haven't any time. May you have a wonderful evening." She fake-smiled and left.

Steve gazed after her and sighed heavily. "She hates me."

With his arms crossed over his chest, Bucky cocked his head. "She caught you kissing that other woman."

A sad smile flickered across Steve's face. "It wasn't even a good kiss." He shot a glance at Bucky, who avoided his eye. "Peggy is a good friend, you know. She's awesome."

Bucky nodded and swallowed heavily. "Yeah, I talked to her earlier. She's great."

Smiling, Steve walked over to his friend. "I don't know her half as long as I know you, Buck. But she's _not_ you. And I know, that there are lots of people who are against what we're doing here, but honestly I don't care! And you know what?"

Bucky grinned reservedly. "Sky's the limit?"

"You're the limit," Steve confessed. "As a friend. And more."

Another blush crept up Bucky's face as he looked at Steve and smiled. "I actually really enjoyed the _more_ part."

Steve chuckled. It was only then that an unpleasant thought crossed his mind. "Do you think she saw us?"

Bucky shook his head. "No. That wasn't the reaction of someone who just caught two men making out, trust me."

Dramatically, Steve clutched his chest and walked back to his bed, slumping onto it. "Constant fear of being caught? What a burden to my poor, weak heart."

He heard Bucky's steps approaching. "Your heart's not weak anymore."

True. And kissing Bucky made it beat even stronger. Steve closed his eyes and reached out his hand in a vague direction, until he brushed up against a wrist. Bucky's skin was still a little coarse. He and the other soldiers had hungered for months. Not enough water, not enough food, but work to be done. It had roughened his hands. With his thumb, Steve rubbed small circles over the back of Bucky's hand. A gesture he remembered his mother doing when she'd held his father's hand.

Steve opened his eyes. Bucky's gaze was empty, which caused him to sit up and place his feet on the ground again. "Hey, what's wrong?" He took both of Bucky's hands in his own and looked up to him, awaiting a reaction.

Bucky chewed his lip and coughed slightly. "Your super soldier serum ... was it injected?"

Steve nodded, not exactly knowing where he was going with this.

"How long did it take, until it took effect?"

"Immediately after the treatment. Why do you ask?" Steve raised an eyebrow. He'd noticed the little cringe when he'd mentioned the treatment.

"Just wondering," Bucky mumbled. His grip tightened.

Steve gave him a reassuring squeeze. "You can tell me everything, Buck."

Bucky nodded and smiled sadly. "I know." He was lying. Steve could tell because his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. Before his friend had left to serve overseas, he'd almost always worn a smile. By now, Steve had the feeling that this part of Bucky hadn't returned.

Since he now knew a new way of making Bucky smile, he pulled him closer and reached up for his neck to pull him down a little more. Bucky bent over him, so Steve had to tilt back his head. Seconds later their lips connected once again, leaving all the bad thoughts behind. It wasn't just a kiss. It was a promise. That they'd be there for each other, till the end of the line.

 


	6. Promise

****

_“War is over ... If you want it.”_

**_John Lennon_ **

****

**November 20th, 1943 - Bucky**

"Just shut your mouth!" Bucky hissed. Sweat ran down his face and dropped onto the ground. His muscles ached and his arms were shaking. He wouldn't give up just yet. Absolutely not!

Steve chuckled. "Come on, Buck. I'm just saying that we both know you didn't do this in a long time. It's okay."

Bucky muttered his answer through clenched teeth. "No it's not! It's terrible! Really terrible!" Two days after he'd been saved, Bucky had started working out again. He knew he was good, but he also knew that he'd been better before HYDRA had starved him. Now, he already was one step closer to his old self, but still!

"Fifty!" he counted aloud.

"Fifty is great, you know? Not many people are able to-"

"Shut up! Everyone out there can do fifty push-ups!" Bucky lowered himself again, but he felt the strenght draining from his muscles. His arms trembled pathetically as he clenched his teeth even harder.

Steve pushed himself up, next to him, before he placed his knee on the ground. "See? Forty-nine. I'm done."

"No you're not!" Bucky collapsed on the floor and pressed his face against the cold ground. "I hate you, punk." He turned his head to look at Steve, who sat cross-legged. "You let me win on purpose."

"I didn't!" Steve insisted, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards.

Bucky looked at him, still out of breath. They'd done this push-up competition a few times already. But that had been Steve against other soldiers. Bucky had seen him doing over 180 push-ups and now he was giving up after about fifty?!

Steve sighed and cracked a grin. "I know what you're capable of. Last year, you did over fifty with me sitting on your back! But you still need to recover."

Bucky lowered his head and closed his eyes. "I'm fine," he mumbled. He didn't like the word _recover_. It was a constant reminder that something bad had happened. Something he needed to recover from. However he appreciated Steve's concern. Knowing that he was there for him, made the memory of HYDRA less of a burden. Bucky just hoped he'd never have to see these people again. Especially not Dr. Zola.

Fingers trailed down his spine so lightly he barely felt them. Lazily he pushed himself closer to Steve, warmth radiating from his friend. Warmth and the smell of sweat. Or maybe it was his own? He had doubts whether Steve was still able to sweat at all. Everything had changed. A few months ago he'd been the one to keep both of the warm. Now they'd turned his little cold Steve into a buff hottie. In every way possible.

Bucky's arm twitched, making him realize his own tension. An aftermath of the torture. He was almost always tense and on guard. Even at night he was woken by his aching muscles or worse, his own screams. Whether he imagined them or not, they were there. And the nightmares became more frequent when he slept on his own.

"Why so tense?" Steve asked. Yeah! Of course! They also had to give him the ability to read Bucky's mind. Great. Just great.

"I'm not tense," he said defensively and tried to relax. Didn't work. He heard Steve shifting closer.

"James Buchanan Barnes!"

Bucky grinned and proped himself up on his elbow, head resting in the palm of his hand. He liked the sound of his full name out of Steve's mouth. It reminded him of home, but felt weird nonetheless. "You sound like my mom."

Steve pouted and leaned back against the bed frame. "I'm just worried about you."

"I'm fine," Bucky repeated.

"Stop lying!" Steve's loud voice made him cringe. Immediately, regret washed over Steve's face and he buried it in his hands. "Listen, Buck. I'm sorry, okay?" He looked up with a sorrowful expression. "But you can talk to me. You can trust me. We're friends since forever."

Bucky sat up and sighed. "There. I stopped lying. Happy?"

Steve rolled his eyes, but his lips twitched slightly. "Sometimes I really feel the urge to punch you."

"You'd never punch me, punk." Bucky smiled, his muscles relaxing. He loved these little moments between the two of them. They made him feel comfortable. Even though Steve's body had changed, he still was the same guy. Leaving aside the fact that he'd gained a lot of self-confidence lately. Bucky realized that, whenever they were undisturbed, because Steve's kisses became more demanding, harder, making him wonder how often his friend had actually kissed someone while he'd been gone. Or maybe even before that? Before the war had started, they'd spent a lot of time together, but not every minute of course. Steve would've told him, if he'd met someone, right? Anyway, in the morning it was different. Tousled hair, bleary eyes. Not Captain America at all. That was the time when Bucky loved him the most.

"True that." Steve moved closer again. His eyes wandered over Bucky's face, his lips, down to his throat, his chest, his arms ... his eyes stopped right there.

Bucky followed his gaze and froze. Even two weeks later, the puncture wounds of the injection were still visible. He'd had his sleeves rolled up, now he hurried to pull them down. Steve reached out to stop him and held his hand for a few seconds.

"No." Bucky pulled back both hands. "Please." He didn't want Steve to see what HYDRA had done to him.

"Bucky, wha-" Steve's voice was thick with concern.

"No!" Bucky interrupted him and got up. "Don't." He turned around and went to the door. He didn't want to talk about what had happened. He didn't want Steve to pity him. Before Steve could catch up with him, he stormed outside. The piercing cold cleared his mind for a few seconds. Enough time to make the decision to head for the nearby forest. A few men stood around, chatting. Bucky tried to block their voices out. Right now, he just wanted to reach the forest. He was already passing the first trees, when he heard steps behind him.

He only got a little further before he supported himself against a tree. That he couldn't outwalk Steve anymore, was clearly a downside of the serum.

A hand slid around his waist and pulled him closer, until he felt Steve's chest on his back. He'd wanted to be alone, but right now the closeness felt right.

"You don't need to tell me anything. But if you want to, I'm here."

What did the world do to deserve Steve? Bucky smiled sadly, tears already welling up in his eyes. No, no, no. No crying in front of people. _He wouldn't give this crazy bastard the satisfaction of knowing that_ ... The sudden realization that this was Steve and not Dr. Zola pushed him over the edge. He fell on his knees and buried his face in his hands. That was it! The moment he couldn't tell the difference between past and present anymore. He wanted the war to be over! He wanted to go home! Back in Brooklyn everything had been so much easier.

Steve wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a hug. "It's gonna be alright, Buck. I promise."

His words were everything, Bucky could ask for, yet he began sobbing. And there was nothing anyone could do or say to make him feel better. Everything HYDRA had done to him. They hadn't treated him as a human being. They hadn't treated anyone as a human being. Instead, they'd used him to experiment with potentially fatal solutions. He'd never ever let one of these monsters get close to Steve. He'd kill them! If a HYDRA agent would even think about touching Steve, he'd be there and-

"I love you, Bucky." Steve hugged him tightly. "They won't get you a second time, I promise."

None of them noticed the fast steps that walked away from the scene.

 

**July 7th, 2014 - Bucky**

The word shot through his head over and over again. _Sputnik._ Rumlow's voice was way too close and Bucky wasn't able to stop the echo. It grew louder until his dulled mind finally snapped out of its trance-like state.

He opened his eyes. Darkness. There was darkness all around him. He didn't see anything, but he felt someone's presence. A trembling gasp close to his ear. Unable to move, he felt the cold ground beneath him. Gravel and grass equally. He recalled having this kind of paralysis every now and then when HYDRA had shut him down.

The feeling came back into his body. He slightly moved his fingers. His metal arm was still working. The inside of his skull pounded as he sat up. _A scream pierced his ears._ He couldn't speak. His throat was dry and his chest hurt as he looked around, trying to figure out where he was. Everything was cold and nothing looked familiar in the darkness. Another ache smashed the back of his head and he gasped.

_"Please! I've never done anything! I have children! Two sons! They need their mother, please!" He pulled the trigger._

The shot brought him back to reality, where his eyes finally got used to the darkness. Enough to see his blood covered hands. No ... he ...

_"You shaped the century ..."_

No! He pressed his palms to the side of his head as images flashed through his vision. Red. Blood. Dead people. What did he do?! What had happened? His frightened expression slowly faded, as he scanned his surroundings and the memories of the past days flooded back. He wasn't HYDRA's puppet anymore. His hands weren't covered in blood. He'd abducted Rumlow. Rumlow! Frantically, he looked around. His heart skipped a beat when he made out a body, lying in the dirt, a few meters away from himself. Aidan ...

Still weakened, Bucky crawled towards him. He didn't feel his legs, so he dragged his body along the ground. The mixture of gravel and grass scrunched under his hands.

"Aidan," he managed to say, though his voice sounded strange.

Aidan lay on his back, eyes closed, mouth open, shirt blood-stained. With clenched teeth, Bucky reached him and placed his right hand on the paramedic's chest, hoping to feel a heartbeat. Nothing. He bit his lower lip and dragged himself a little further, so he was able to press two fingers on the side of Aidan's neck. Even in the darkness, the young man looked unusually pale. The skin over his cheekbone glowed in an unhealthy red and already turned blue. His left eye, right above the bruise, was swollen shut. It looked like he was wearing a strange mask. In a split second, Bucky saw Steve's face flashing in front of his vision. Bruised and swollen. A result of Bucky's actions. Both, Aidan's and Steve's injuries. If he hadn't-

He felt something beneath his fingertips. A pulse. Weak, but it was there.

Aidan's unswollen eye opened a little. He coughed and blinked.

"Aidan?" Bucky sighed with relief. He was alive.

With a gasp, Aidan clutched his own chest. The blood. Bucky remembered the shirt being white. Now, it was mostly red. He lifted the blood-soaked fabric to have a closer look at the wounds. They weren't knife wounds. Too small. But they were deep and many enough to become life-threatening. They were everywhere. Over twenty at least. Dark blood slowly oozed out of them. Bucky didn't know how long he'd been unconscious and therefore he didn't know how long Aidan was already bleeding out either.

"He got away," Aidan stammered. His stomach was smudged with blood and his voice quiet and husky.

Bucky stared at the blood and touched the ground next to Aidan. It was drenched with blood. A lot of blood. Whatever Rumlow had done to him, it was quite likely that he would succeed with killing him.

"He stabbed me." Aidan coughed and closed his eye. "With a scalpel. Until he got tired and couldn't lift his arm anymore."

Bucky didn't know what to do, he just stared at him, while the feeling in his legs came back gradually.

"He stabbed you in the chest, but stopped when you didn't react."

The ambulance. He needed to call an ambulance. Bucky started to search for Aidan's phone. He wouldn't let him die here. He couldn't.

"He wanted to escape with the ambulance, but you did something with the engine, didn't you?" Aidan blinked and his eyes focused on Bucky. "I'm sorry. If I hadn't reduced the morphine ..." he trailed off and suppressed a cough.

Bucky shook his head. "It's not your fault. Where's your phone?"

Aidan's lips twitched upwards. "The battery died right after I let you listen to the song. Actually, that's the reason, why I didn't call the police."

Bucky stopped fumbling. Without a phone, no one would find them out here. Nobody was going to help them. He gulped.

"So bad?" Aidan asked with a frown.

"Could be worse," Bucky lied and took off his jacket. The fabric was too rough, so he removed his shirt as well and pressed the garment on the wounds.

Aidan grinned weakly. "Your Magic Mike is showing again." He winced as Bucky applied more pressure. "What color?"

Bucky raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"The blood. What color?"

"Dark."

"Is it ... much?"

Bucky didn't answer. If he had to guess, Aidan probably already lost over one and a half liters of blood. Still enough to survive, but they were running low on time.

Aidan squinted his eyes shut tightly. "Not ... not good." His voice trembled. "I don't wanna die."

Bucky gritted his teeth. "You won't!" He put on his jacket again, without breaking the pressure on the shirt and the wounds. His legs worked sufficiently enough to stand up. At one go, he scooped Aidan up, who gave a whimper of pain. The hospital wasn't too far away from where they were at the moment.

"You stay with me, understand?"

Aidan grimaced. "Sure."

Bucky pondered for a few seconds. The ambulance wasn't working anymore. He'd ensured that. There was a small chance that someone with a car would stop and take them to the hospital. But not out here. They needed to get back to the street. Bucky inhaled sharply and started running. He didn't head for the street directly, but took the shortcut through the small forest behind the building. A straight way to the hospital, but the street was also easy to reach from there, so the shortcut wasn't the worst idea ever. Every second counted, so Bucky didn't have time to think about his decision twice. He couldn't let Aidan die. Not like that. Not killed by Rumlow.

 

Bucky was a fast runner. He knew that himself. But until now he'd never run, carrying someone critically injured. It was more difficult than he'd thought. Paying attention to the path in front of him and keeping a steady pressure on the wounds. For the first time in forever, he was thankful for his metal arm. The enhanced strenght was pretty useful too.

Aidan's body was cold. So cold. Bucky felt him shivering in his arms, more and more blood oozing out of him. He quickened his pace. There was still time! It wasn't over yet! In the distance he saw the end of the forest and the lights of the city. The hospital.

"We're almost there!" he yelled against the wind that whistled through the forest.

Aidan didn't answer. Bucky shot him a glance. His eyes were closed, his lips gray.

"Please don't die," he whispered as they finally left the last trees behind.

 

 

**July 7th, 2014 - Steve**

Steve walked through the corridor at a brisk pace. His hands were clenched and his jaw set. Sam hadn't told him any details when he'd called two hours ago. The paramedic had turned up again. Nearly dead. Bucky couldn't have done this, right? He was a good man! Steve frowned. Today of all days! Tony had been asleep when he'd left. He was probably one of the most unreliable friends in the world and the thought made him sick.

Sam stood in front of a door. When he noticed Steve approaching, he came his way. "They're still trying to stabilize him."

"What happened?"

"You need to see the footage," Sam answered and pointed at a different door. They entered the control room, that contained several electronic displays and two men on duty. The screens showed the entrance and the different floors of the hospital. Nurses and doctors walked confidently through the hallways, watched by other people who were obviously waiting for something or someone.

"Somewhere about eight," Sam said and one of the men started typing something. The picture of one screen changed. Steve noticed because the black woman who'd sat at the reception desk was suddenly gone. Instead, there was now a young man with glasses. Sam pointed at the screen, where the entrance door flew open. Steve cupped his chin in his hand and stared at the man who now entered the hospital in the footage. Bucky. He carried a young blond man, who appeared to be more dead than alive. Bucky opened his mouth and yelled something.

"What did he say?" Steve asked.

"According to the man at the reception, he called for help." Sam crossed his arms and nodded towards the footage. "Look!"

A few nurses arrived with a gurney and helped Bucky to lay down the paramedic onto the gurney. Steve noticed that his hands were blood-smeared. One of the nurses lifted the dark piece of cloth from the paramedic's stomach. Steve's mouth fell open. Holy ... That was a lot of blood. Absentmindedly, Steve covered his mouth with his fist.

The nurses brought the guy away. Bucky gazed after them for a few seconds, clearly concerned. Then he lifted his eyes and stared directly at the security cam. For a little moment, Steve thought the both of them were looking right at each other, but Bucky looked away quickly and walked back to the doors, before the nurses or someone else could stop him or ask questions. The door closed again as if nothing had happened.

Steve tried to appear collected, although internally he wanted to punch against a wall. Bucky had abducted two people. One of them comatose. And a few days later he brought one of them back, grievously injured. That didn't look too great.

"He'll make it, right?" Steve asked and pinched the bridge of his nose. He understood that Bucky had killed people when HYDRA had forced him to do so. But now? He was free and did the same thing?

"We don't know yet," Sam replied. He gave the men a nod and pulled Steve out of the room. "Someone stabbed him, Steve. Twenty-four times!"

Steve leaned against the wall and put his head back. "But-"

Sam lowered his voice. "Cap, he's a wanted man! We can cover up his actions, but it's time to think about if we really want Bucky to be out there. I know you don't want to see this, but he _is_ dangerous. That boy might die!"

"Maybe ..." Steve's voice trailed off. He couldn't even come up with a different option of what had happened. Rumlow was in a coma. It was impossible for him to stab someone.

"It's your choice. I have your back, no matter what," Sam assured him.

Steve nodded and forced a smile. Maybe Sam was right? A lot of people were after Bucky. And he _did_ abduct Rumlow and the paramedic by his own free will, which made him criminal and dangerous. But it was his Bucky after all! He'd never do something like stabbing an innocent.

Hasty steps approached. Steve tilted his head to the side to see who was coming. A woman. She had curly brown hair and wore glasses. Her eyes were fixed on Sam.

"Where is he?" she asked with a trembling voice.

Sam cleared his throat. "He's still in surgery."

"What happened to him?"

It was obvious that Sam fought with himself whether he should answer the question or not. "Uhm ... we don't know yet."

The woman shook her head and blinked away a few tears. "How did you find him?"

Sam and Steve exchanged a quick glance. "Someone brought him here," Sam answered vaguely, not breaking eye contact with Steve.

Finally, the woman noticed Steve and arched her eyebrows. "Who's-"

"Right," Sam interrupted her. "This is Steve Rogers. Steve, this is Darcy Lewis. Aidan's sister."

It took Steve a moment until he remembered that the paramedic's name was Aidan. He smiled and shook Darcy's hand. "You're a friend of Jane Foster, aren't you?"

She nodded slowly. "You're Captain America. Sam told me everything about you."

Steve looked at Sam with a frown, but he just held up both hands in defense. "We talked about her brother. I asked questions about him. If he'd ever had encounters with ... weird people."

"Aidan ... he'll make it, right?" Darcy asked concerned.

Sam didn't answer.

Darcy inhaled sharply. "I'm gonna call my parents." She wiped her nose with a tissue and went off to find a quiet place to make her phone call.

Steve and Sam remained silent.

Darcy was still gone when a doctor entered the hallway a few minutes later. "Mr. Wilson? We were able to stop the internal bleeding and treat the penetrating abdominal trauma. He's stable. And he's awake for now. But it turned out that his liver is damaged. We're trying to relieve it, so it can recover itself, but ... it's quite likely that he needs to undergo surgery again soon."

"Can we talk to him?" Sam asked carefully.

The doctor nodded. "Yes. Two policemen are already there."

Sam turned to Steve. "I talk to Darcy, you talk to Aidan."

 

"His hair was shorter ..."

Steve stared at the composite sketch. That wasn't Bucky at all. The shape of the face was too round, the eyes too small, the nose too big. It was the complete opposite of Bucky. The picture was terrible.

Speaking of terrible, Aidan didn't look too well either. His skin was pale and slightly yellowish. One eye was swollen, the other one had trouble to stay open. He was tired.

The policemen went on to ask a few questions about the man who'd abducted him, Rumlow and the man who'd brought him to the hospital.

According to Aidan, the man who'd abducted him, had also stabbed him and that he didn't know anything about the man who'd saved him later.

Steve was impatient. He knew that Aidan was lying and that Sam couldn't talk to Darcy forever. Once she got into this room, there'd be a family reunion that Steve didn't want to disturb with questions about Bucky.

Finally, the policemen left. Steve waited for the door to close, before he moved closer to the bed. "What did he really look like?" he asked calmly.

"Like the sketch," Aidan answered quietly.

With a heavy sigh, Steve crossed his arms over his chest. "Aidan. I know that the man who abducted you, was the same one, who saved your life by bringing you here. What did he look like? Did he hurt you? Is he all right?"

Aidan frowned and slowly turned his head to Steve. "Who are you?"

Steve noted to himself that he probably shouldn't ask emotional questions about Bucky yet. "My name is Steve."

"Steve," repeated the paramedic. "He called me _Steve_ a few times." His face lit up. "You're Captain America!"

Steve stared at him. Bucky remembered his name. And apparently the way Steve looked like before the super soldier serum. "What else did he say? What happened? You need to tell me everything you know!"

Aidan tensed up again and avoided eye contact.

"Please. It's important." Steve tried not to be too pushy, but it was hard. These days people were so unwilling to help the elderly. At least Tony said that quite often when Steve was around.

"The man with the scars ... the coma patient ... James wanted me to wake him up by all means," Aidan said with a tight voice.

James? Bucky remembered his own name too? But why would he want to wake up Rumlow? That didn't make sense. He probably knew that Rumlow had been an agent of HYDRA, after all Rumlow had been able to describe how they'd tortured Bucky in detail, shortly before they'd put him into the coma. He'd been nearly dead, but this cocky grin had still been there, plastered on his face, when he'd yelled stuff about electric shocks.

"I did it. But when he woke up," Aidan slowed down his speech, "he yelled something and James passed out and then the coma guy stabbed me. He got away. And it's my fault. I shouldn't have reduced the medications in the first place. I didn't call the police when James had his meltdown and-"

"Hang on!" Steve waved both hands to stop him. "Rumlow is awake?"

Aidan nodded slowly.

"Meltdown? What kind of meltdown?"

"He had a panic attack because of the fireworks. Independence Day, you know?"

Steve frowned. Rumlow was free and out there. So was Bucky. But he had panic attacks? That wasn't good news. Steve didn't want to think about what would happen, if one of those panic attacks triggered the Winter Soldier to take over again.

"Why didn't you tell the police?"

Aidan's face flushed. "He reminded me of my father. And he carried me the whole way from this building to the hospital. He saved me ... I didn't want to betray him now. And I don't want to get in trouble or ... lose my job. You ... you're not here to chase him down, are you?"

Steve shook his head. "No, I wanna help him. What building?"

"A few kilometers behind the forest. It's abandoned. I think it was a mall, like years ago, but now it's empty. The ambulance is still there."

The door burst open and Darcy rushed in. "Aidan!" Tears streamed down her face as she approached the bed.

"Thank you, Aidan. You helped us a lot." Steve watched them as they hugged. His thoughts already trailed off. He'd find that building and he'd find Bucky.


	7. "I respect you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry that this chapter took me like years to write!   
> I really hope that it won't happen again.   
> Anyway, have a great day and leave a comment if you want to. And take a virtual cookie, because I didn't upload a chapter in ages.

_“Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone._ ”

**_Mitch Albom_ **

 

**November 21 st, 1943 - Steve**

When Steve woke up, Bucky was still asleep. Sometimes Steve watched him, until he dozed off again. Not today. He didn't want to leave Bucky's side after what had happened the day before. He did it regardless, because he needed to talk to Peggy to get rid of all this tension between the two of them. Right now, he didn't need someone apart from the Red Skull to hate him.

He rolled out of bed carefully so he wouldn't wake up Bucky. As he put on some clothes, he frowned and looked back at him. Every once in a while he wondered, what was wrong with himself. Bucky had stated that he was attracted to men. Only to men. But Steve himself ... he wasn't so sure about that.

He sighed and headed for the door. Even after the serum had changed his body from weak to toned, he still somehow managed to be a freak. Great. Everybody knew their place except him.

It was cold outside. Steve took a few deep breaths of the frosty air. Most of the people were already awake. Hopefully, Peggy was one of them. She spent most of the time with either the Colonel or Howard Stark. Steve decided to look for the Colonel first, because he was much easier to find than Stark. All he had to do was to follow Colonel Phillips' voice, as he usually shouted at someone.

Today however, Peggy wasn't with Phillips and Steve didn't want to interrupt his rant about discipline and order to ask if he'd seen her. Instead, he now searched for Stark. Even though Howard spent a lot of time bragging and talking about himself, Steve enjoyed his company. Somehow they got along very well.

When he arrived at Stark's place, Howard already stood in front of the entrance. His face lit up at the sight of Steve.

"Ah, Captain Rogers! Your shield is ready. I sent-"

"Is Peggy here?" Steve interrupted. He wanted to get this weight off his shoulders and go back to Bucky as fast as possible.

Howard slowly shook his head. "No, pal. Like I said, I asked her to go and get you here. You should have met her on your way."

Steve stared at him and opened his mouth, just to close it again after a few seconds. He turned around. "I'll be back in a second."

"Don't you want to see your shield first?" Howard called after him.

"Just a minute!" Steve yelled back and sped up. He didn't have a good feeling about this. Maybe he'd just missed her, when he'd checked if she was with the Colonel. No big deal, right?

He saw his tent. His heart dropped and he came to a stop. The tent was open. He sent up a prayer that Bucky had already left.

Without hesitation, he entered and froze. Bucky was still asleep and damn he looked hot when he was sleeping. The problem wasn't him anyway. The problem was Peggy, standing in the middle of the tent and staring at Bucky.

Steve exhaled, drawing Peggy's attention away from Bucky. She turned around and stared at him in disbelief. Steve didn't dare to say something, although he knew that his shocked expression already gave away everything.

Peggy regained her composure way faster than Steve did and straightened her shoulders. "Captain!" She gave him a short nod. "I beg your pardon for entering your housing. Mr. Stark wishes to see you." With her chin up, she passed him and left the tent.

Steve was still unable to move. Meanwhile Bucky groaned drowsily and sat up, rubbing his face. Seeing Steve's expression, he frowned. "What?"

Steve took a deep breath. "Don't move, Buck!" He bolted out of the tent and hurried after Peggy. She didn't run and Steve caught up in seconds. "Peggy, I-"

She stopped and faced him. Her face was unreadable. Something the serum hadn't changed; Steve continued to be worse than useless when talking to women.

"Captain?"

Her cold and distant behaviour pained him. "Peggy, don't-"

"Yes?" She raised an eyebrow.

Steve pursed his lips and looked around. There were too many people. He offered her a hand. "Please."

She set her jaw as she reluctantly took his hand and let him pull her towards the forest. Steve stopped after the voices of the other soldiers were too muffled to understand. He finally trusted his voice again.

"Peggy, I can explain, okay?"

She raised both brows. "Go for it."

He sighed heavily. "Listen, he has terrible nightmares because of HYDRA and what they did to him. He can't fall asleep at night and if he does, he doesn't stay like this for long. I'm just trying to help him."

"M-hm." She nodded. "In the forest yesterday, did you try to help him, when you said you loved him?"

Steve felt the blush crawling up his face. She'd heard them. She'd seen them. He clenched his teeth so hard, it hurt. Bucky had always emphasized how important it was for them to be careful. But sometimes when he spent time with Bucky, he just couldn't see how or why anyone would ever consider their kisses wrong.

He looked back at her. "I did. It's the support he needs right now."

Peggy frowned. "So you didn't mean it?"

Steve remained silent for a few seconds, but sighed eventually, realizing that the short pause already revealed the truth. "Peggy, I ... I told him that I love him because I actually do." He let go of her arm. "I don't need you to understand this, okay? But I really want you to."

"Steve ..."

"I can't change it, okay? It just happened! He was there my whole life and the way I feel about him-"

Peggy moved closer and lowered her voice. "Steve," she repeated, her voice quivering. "If they find out ..." She paused and looked at him in concern. "They will hurt you! Both of you!"

Steve tensed up at the thought. Until now the possibility of someone finding out about him and Bucky had been nothing but a frightening nightmare. Now it felt so unreal, that he expected to wake up every second.

He stared at the ground. "I won't let anyone hurt him."

Peggy placed a hand on his chest. "I know you're a super soldier. But you can't fight off all of them at the same time."

He shook his head. He'd fight a thousand men for Bucky. "I'm so sorry, Peggy. I know you're thinking that-"

She cut him off with an empty gesture. "I'm not thinking anything, Steve. You can't imagine how many people made fun of me for who I was. You and I, we are very much alike, Steve. People didn't believe in us, so we had to do it ourselves. I might not understand this, but I respect you."

Steve half-smiled. "So ... it's our secret?"

She nodded. "I won't tell anyone anything that would get you into trouble, Steve."

He heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Peggy. I owe you a lot."

Her lips twitched upwards in a strained smile. "Howard wants to see you. I'll meet you there." With this, she left. Steve watched her going back to the camp. Why did she look so sad? Was she mad at him for not telling her earlier?

Walking back to his tent, he tried to hide his relief, so the other soldiers wouldn't notice anything. It was only now that he realized, he hadn't talked with Peggy about the kiss. Damn it!

He entered his tent.

Bucky spun around. "What happened? Where were you?"

Steve walked up to him and pulled him close. Within seconds, Bucky had wrapped his arms around Steve's waist. They stood still for a while. Everything was so peaceful. Bucky's embrace was warm and felt like home. Back in Brooklyn.

"What happened?" Bucky mumbled.

Steve didn't want to let go yet. "Nothing. I talked to Peggy. My shield's ready."

Bucky pulled back his head and grinned. "How does it look?" He pointed at Steve's notebooks. "I saw some of your drafts."

Steve smirked. "I haven't seen it yet." Most of his notebooks were already filled with drawings and little sketches. He'd already caught Bucky flipping through them a few times. "I can spare you a few notebooks, if you want."

Bucky shrugged. "I don't know."

Steve didn't try to convince him otherwise and turned to the door. "Well then, let's see the shield, right?"

 

 

**July 7 th, 2014 - Bucky**

"You didn't bring your shield, did you?"

Bucky closed his eyes. He struggled to understand what they were talking about. He'd expected them to find the building eventually, but not that fast. Now he was hiding in the forest. The late evening's darkness made it easy for him to stay hidden. Hopefully, they'd leave soon. He knew he couldn't go back there. The building wasn't safe anymore. Rumlow knew the place and so did Captain America. And Falcon. But he had to stay nonetheless. Just for a few more minutes, until he was sure that Aidan was alright. Just a few more minutes, so he could watch Steve.

"No, I didn't bring my shield."

Bucky knew that voice. He pressed his lips together. His heart beat harder against his ribs and his chest tightened.

"I'm just hoping that this damn building won't bury us. No offense, but your shield would've been really helpful."

"Shut up, Sam! Gimme the flashlight."

It felt like his muscles were trying to avoid letting another breath in. But then the breath came. So suddenly that Bucky gasped. He winced and risked a glance back at the building to make sure they hadn't heard him. His vision became blurry. Shit, shit, shit! Not now. Not now! He tried to focus and blinked away the senseless thoughts.

Falcon handed a flashlight to Steve, who turned it on and aimed it inside the building. They entered.

Before he knew it, Bucky was sitting on the ground, his legs unwilling to work. The throbbing pain inside his head drove him crazy. It was so loud. Everything was so loud. In front of his eyes his mind produced thousands of horror pictures. Dead people. Missing limbs. Gun shots. Screaming soldiers. Himself. Blood. There was so much blood.

"Calm down, Steve!" Falcon. Steve had called him Sam.

A nasty bang caused Bucky's mind to switch back to reality, which he was more than thankful for. He didn't know how long he'd stared at the ground, seeing things that weren't real, but now he searched for the source of the noise. Captain America had punched against the driver's door of the ambulance, which was slightly dented now.

"He's not here, Sam! And he won't come back either!"

Bucky didn't remember Steve being so quick-tempered.

"And Rumlow! He's gone as well! Not that I want him here, but ... you know what? Actually, I _do_ want him here! And I want to kil-"

"Steve! Calm down! We will find them. Both of them."

Bucky watched them. Steve had promised to be there for him, right? Till the end of the line. He just had to stand up and walk over to them. Steve would help him. Steve had always helped him.

He took a deep breath and stood up. Steve was his friend. There was no need to be afraid. Bucky felt his right arm tensing up. His palm was sweaty, so he wiped it on his pants. Everything was alright. He'd go out there and they'd help him.

Falcon cleared his throat. "Why don't we just call in the Avengers? It would be a lot easier with Stark and his high-tech devices."

Stark. The name sounded familiar to Bucky, but he didn't know where he'd heard it before.

"We can't, Sam."

"Why not?"

Bucky tried to remember. Stark. He knew the memory was there. He just had to find it!

"They wouldn't understand! Everything is difficult enough already and I don't expect them to help me search for my brainwashed assassin friend, who died seventy years ago, but came back to life." Steve let out a deep sigh. At least that's what Bucky assumed. Maybe he still struggled with asthma? Nothing Bucky wanted to think about at the moment.

Brainwashed.

He stared at the ground. Steve was right. He was a mess. He was an assassin and therefore dangerous. But it wasn't his intention to hurt people. What had happened to Aidan had been an accident. Steve would believe him. He knew he would.

"You don't want them to help us, because you think that they'd charge him for what he did, right?"

"It wasn't his fault, Sam! He doesn't deserve to be punished for being tortured! And-" Steve was interrupted by the ring of a phone.

"Hang on," Sam said, while Bucky still tried to find the guts to come out of hiding. "Yes?"

Bucky planned what he was going to say to Steve. Nothing felt right. It still somehow felt like he was betraying his former friend, because he didn't feel like Bucky Barnes. He was the Winter Soldier and not Bucky. Or was he both? His memories said yes, but his feelings weren't so clear.

Unconciously, Bucky listened to Sam's one-sided talk on the phone. He didn't say much, but the tone in which he gave short answers, said a lot. Obviously, it wasn't good news.

"What happened?" Steve sounded concerned. Apparently the phone call was over.

"The hospital." Falcon's voice had a strange undertone that made Bucky listen attentively. Hospital? They had talked to Aidan. That explained why they'd been here so quickly. That meant he was okay. At least something. Now that Bucky wasn't mind-controlled by HYDRA anymore, he was responsible for his actions. Knowing that he hadn't killed Aidan, gave his courage a badly needed boost. Steve wouldn't deplore what he'd done because of HYDRA. He'd be there for him and help him remember. _Till the end of the line_.

Bucky puffed himself up, but dropped it just seconds later. That was ridiculous. _Just walk up to them!_

"Aidan was operated on today because of his liver damage."

Bucky could see Steve's back and Sam's face now. Hopefully they wouldn't react ... badly, if he stepped out of the shadows now.

Sam shook his head. "There were complications in the surgery. He didn't make it, Steve."

 

 

**July 8 th, 2014 - Steve**

Sam drove straight to the hospital, leaving Steve no other option than going to his own apartment. He'd noticed that Darcy and Sam were comfortable around each other and now that Aidan was ... gone, Sam was going to comfort her. None of them needed Steve to be around there like the awkward fifth wheel, whose friend was somehow involved in Aidan's death.

He hadn't been in his apartment for a few months. Most of the time he'd spent inside of the Avengers Tower or at Sam's. Somewhere around friends. Family.

Steve glanced at Sharon's door as he passed it. Did she still live here? She'd been an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. and he'd been her mission. So after he'd _moved out_ inofficially there was no reason for her to stay here, right? The apartments weren't too bad, but the stairwell always smelled of cheap but penetrant polishs.

Steve sighed and inserted the key into the lock. It didn't feel like coming home. Everything looked like it did before Fury had been attacked in there, but it felt different. Cold, empty, lonely. No Sam, who cracked stupid jokes. No Tony, who recommended movies or listened to music so loudly, that it was impossible to focus on something else. No Bucky. Steve realized that Bucky knew where he lived. He'd been here. But even sadder than knowing that his former boyfriend had been so damn close, was that he wasn't going to come back. Why would he? He didn't remember him.

Steve leaned against the door behind him and closed his eyes for a moment. He remembered the realization that had crossed the face of the Winter Soldier, shortly before the Helicarrier had blown up. The realization that had made him look like Bucky again.

The year they'd found him frozen, all his memories had been there and he'd remembered them vividly. But now ... Even when he tried really hard, he didn't know anymore how Bucky's lips felt. His hands. His body. When he tried to remember his friend how he'd been in the 40s, Bucky wasn't smiling. His face was replaced by the face of the Winter Soldier. That grim façade.

A gentle breeze made Steve shiver. He frowned and opened his eyes. A breeze? He hadn't been here in months! And the people who had closed the bullet holes, had also replaced the window. So why the hell was there a breeze?

Carefully, Steve moved towards the living room. He prayed that it wasn't Fury again. That would be really awkward, given what had happened the last time. He peered around the corner and met Natasha's eyes. Oh damnit!

Instead of wincing, he groaned. "Really? SHIELD doesn't give a shit about privacy, does it?"

She smirked. "SHIELD doesn't exist anymore. I'm just visiting a friend."

Steve looked around to make sure she hadn't invited anyone else without his knowledge. Even after SHIELD's downfall, she didn't quit setting him up with strangers.

"I was referring to you, Rogers," she read his thoughts.

He smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Friends? Friends don't try to set you up with other people."

She grinned. "That's what friends do all the time. Catch up, Cap." She sat back down on the couch and crossed her arms.

Steve walked over to the open window and closed it. "So? What's up?"

Nat's smirk faded and she put on a serious look. "Tony called me."

_Shit_. Steve cursed himself. He'd forgotten it already. He and Sam had searched for Bucky the whole day and he hadn't called or texted Tony to tell him where he was. God, he was so stupid! They'd told each other their deepest secrets and problems and the next day Steve had been gone. Just like that. He was a jerk. He didn't mean to be one, but he was.

Frustrated, Steve rubbed his forehead with one hand. "What did he say?"

Natasha shrugged. "What did you guys talk about?"

Steve looked up and frowned. What did Tony tell her? He wouldn't have told her something about the boyfriend-thingy, right? No! He was trustworthy. "Urr, we talked about some stuff."

"Oh yeah, right. Why didn't I think of that?" Natasha retorted. "Anyways, long story short, he was sober and from what I heard, he was alright. Good thing Sam told you."

Steve nodded slowly. "I'll go back tomorrow, I guess. I don't like it here anymore," he gestured around the room. On the other hand ... the empty building meant that he and Sam were finally on to something. A hot track. Bucky had been there just hours ago.

Nat raised an eyebrow. "Where have you been," she glanced at the clock, "yesterday?"

Steve tensed up. "I was with Sam."

She got up and saw right through him. Steve's poker face had become pretty good over the last few years, but still not good enough to fool Natasha.

He sighed and gave in. "We searched _him_."

Natasha's face grew tight, before softening again. Her eyes lost their piercing sharpness. "Did you find something?"

Steve shook his head. "Nothing." He remembered Nat's advice not to _pull on that thread_. But she knew how much Bucky meant to him and he was thankful that she accepted his search for his friend anyway.

Now Nat's expression softened entirely. She walked over to him and pulled him into a hug. "I'm sorry." A smile was on her face, when she released him. "I hope that one day someone will search for me the way you search for Bucky." She winked.

Steve rolled his eyes. "You have Barton, Romanoff."

She chuckled. "Right."

"And you've still got me. No matter what. We're _friends_ after all."

With her usual smirk, she headed for the door. "Good night, Steve. I'll drop in tomorrow, before you leave. Maybe we can make friendship bracelets after breakfast."

"Go away!" Steve laughed and showed her to the door.

Before she closed it behind her, she pointed to his bedroom door. "I left something for you. It's a little present from Sam and me. We prepared it weeks ago already." The door fell close.

Steve groaned and rushed to his bedroom. The moment he turned on the light, confusion washed over him. Nothing looked different. No prank? He had to admit that he was slightly disappointed. But then he saw the pictures standing on his nightstand. He went closer and narrowed his eyes. A smile crept on his face. It was a picture of Tony, Sam, Bruce, Clint, Natasha and even Thor, making faces and holding a Happy Birthday banner.

Steve chuckled to himself. The framed photograph stood right next to the picture of Peggy, which he'd found in the files, SHIELD had given to him years ago.

He sat down on his bed and stared at both pictures for a few moments. Then he pulled out a slightly wrinkled piece of paper. It was a picture of Bucky. In uniform. Steve looked at it and smiled, before carefully putting it between the frame and the glass at the corner of Peggy's picture. Everything had been so easy back then.

But now Bucky had acted without being under HYDRA's influence and someone had died. Steve frowned. But Rumlow had murdered the paramedic. So, there was HYDRA again.

He slipped off his shoes and tossed himself onto the bed again, closing his eyes to sort out his thoughts. Damnit. He'd been awake for two days straight and his mind slowly dragged him to sleep. In the few seconds between sleep and waking, the vague memory of how Bucky's lips felt on his own crossed his mind. And he felt at peace. 


End file.
